Dead Roses
by lookitssam
Summary: Tegan and Sara Quin are on tour for their record Heartthrob, fighting their emotions towards each other and trying to ignore their need for one another through jealousy games. Soon it comes to how far they are willing to go to not be caught, and the limits they are willing to push in order to love without consequence.
1. I- Games

Tegan

I cursed myself for not getting my driver's license as I walked through the rainy Vancouver weather, eager to escape the cold sleet. I needed to meet Sara for coffee and discuss the arrangements for tour, not that I was looking forward to spending an entire year crammed in a bus with my twin sister. All she ever did now anyway was talk about Stacy, almost like she was trying to make me jealous that she finally got a really hot girlfriend. If that was her goal, I wasn't going to give in to her little game.

As the wind kicked up and blew crystals into my eyes, I sped up and jogged to the café. I thought about calling a cab, but going against common sense seemed to be my specialty these days. I always manage to fuck things up for myself, considering that Lindsey had walked out on me after a fight over the smallest things. Finally reaching the café, I bursted in which grabbed the attention of everyone in the unit, staring like owls. I shrugged them off and waddled to Sara, the only person who hasn't laid an eye on me, but instead a thick book.

"Hey Sara." I said bluntly as possible.

"Why didn't you call Lindsey or someone to drop you off?" She replied just as emotionlessly, still not looking up from her fucking book.

She knew Lindsey left me, she was just trying to get on my nerves, which was working as I subtly gritted my teeth at her indifferent personality towards me. I managed to hold my composure and reply passively, "I just wanted to walk and think about things."

The slightest twitch in her mouth gave away that she was concerned with what pushed me to walk three miles in the freezing rain to think, but I knew better than to give a smile to her. I wouldn't give into her piercing gaze that burned into my mind as I sat down and pulled my computer and notepad out of my backpack.

"Let's just get this over with." I mumbled, shaking off my wet coat and already dreading this tour with my stone-faced sister.

"So I've got a few ideas on where we would stop while in Toronto." Sara began, seeming shockingly uncomfortable. Whatever, I was tired of acting like I was happy anymore. Sara's twisted mind and silent arguments between us wire me out along with all the other stressful situations I was facing. But before we knew it, we were buried in our computers and discussing plans in perfect synchronisation.

I looked down at my clock on the screen and noticed that an hour had passed by, but as I looked up, I caught Sara's eyes looking at me before she quickly jerked her attention back to her Mac. It sparked curiosity in me, but I didn't dare pry, not wanting to get on her bad side again and get in a fight.

After Glasgow, I always wanted to pretend I was happy and understanding, despite wanting to scream my true emotions out. I needed Sara, I wanted to be there for her when she went through that rough patch after Emy. But Sara was just unlovable, as simple as that. She has no light or excitement in her, only lurking darkness that she hid since she found Stacy. Eventually, I just gave up trying to be the one that made her happier, knowing that Stacy provided temporary relief. But I know better than that.

"What?" Sara snapped me out of my thoughts as I realised I had been staring at her.

"Nothing. Sorry, just got lost for a second." I said in a lower octave.

She eyed me again before speaking up. "What's wrong?"

I couldn't even begin to tell her what was wrong. Lindsey, Sara, Stacy, my apartment, this tour, this fake excited carefree mood that I'll have to put on for each audience we play for. Why did Sara have to bring Stacy for the first week? She knew that I didn't like the idea, but she also knew that I would never hold her against her happiness.

" _Nothing_ is wrong, Jesus Christ." I sputtered, annoyed with her concern.

She rolled her eyes, looking back down at her screen. The rest of the session went by quietly, agreeing to whatever ideas we had in mind before my phone vibrated. As soon as I saw the caller ID was Lindsey's, I accepted and eagerly said hello.

"Look, I'm sorry I walked out on you. I was fed up with work and came home in a bad mood." She said, sounding exhausted and drained. Funny how she called it home, when I never felt like it was anything close to warmth and soft memories. All I ever did was sleep, have sex, and work on the computer in that place. But whenever Sara came over, it oddly did feel like home, before she replaced that feeling with snide comments and bragging about Stacy.

"I'm sorry too. Do you wanna come over tonight?" I said meaninglessly, knowing that she just wanted sex right now.

"Please." was all she said before telling me she had to get back to work. Once again I caught Sara's eyes. I could have swore I saw a twinge of jealousy in her. Too bad, you missed your chance, Sara. I wanted to be your one-man call, and you threw me away like I was nothing when you met Stacy.

I hung up before Lindsey could lie and say she loves me, and shoved my phone back in my pocket.

"You know, if Lindsey keeps playing mind games with you like that, you shouldn't-"

"Will you just _shut the fuck up_ and mine your own business?" I cut her off, suddenly enraged. Everybody I knew now was playing games with me, I'm tired of it.

Sara stared at me speechlessly as I stood up and began to pack my things, eager to get out of this hell that I was put into.

"Why are you leaving?" she questioned, sounding hopeless and weak, and she knew that tone in her voice always made me soft for her. Bitch.

"We're done. We can do anything you want. I'm going to my house and taking a nap." I replied colder than before. She didn't ever put up a fight like I always wished she would, so I walked out on her before she could say anything else.

Standing outside the café now, I called a taxi, knowing better than to hope that Sara came out. But to my surprise, here Sara suddenly was, leaving me breathless as she hugged me close to her.

"I love you." her hot breath hit my ear as she whispered it like a forbidden promise.

No matter how much I wanted to tell her the same, I didn't give in, choosing to stand rigidly as my sister squeezed me tighter. She slowly let go as she realised that I wasn't going to reciprocate the movement and words, and looked up into my eyes. I realised how significantly our roles have switched, like she was always pining for my attention while I left her cold and empty. Locking my eyes with her honey irises, I clenched my jaw at home close we were. I wanted to kiss her but I knew better than that.

And she must have saw it in my eyes, because next thing I knew, she grabbed my hand and pulled me around the corner into the alleyway. Pushing me against a wall, she stood on her toes and leaned in for a kiss before I shoved her off of me and walked to the cab that had just pulled up. I hurried in, knowing that look on her face meant she was in angry shock. I told him to go back to my house and he sped off as I watched Sara in the rear-view mirror, standing in the road staring at the cab shrinking from sight.

As we went on in silence, I thought about how cruel Sara is being to me. She knew that I was chasing her, yet she turned it into another twisted game, no matter home fucked up it was already to be in love with my sister. We didn't need this stress or worry while on the first tour for Heartthrob, and I didn't need the frustration of knowing that we're both cheating on our girlfriends.

I practically tossed my money at the driver and walked to my house without a single word of thanks to him. Stepping inside, I looked and noticed how much I tried to make it seem like a home, despite it only being shelter while off tour. I shed my coat and walked to my room to take a shower when I found Lindsey sitting on my bed, scaring the hell out of me.

" _Jesus fucking Christ_!" I said, almost yelling as I stumbled backwards.

"Oh my God. I'm sorry. I texted you that I got off early."

"Yeah well I didn't get it." I wheezed, still out of breath. It shocked me on how I became suddenly afraid of everything.

She stood up and walked over to me, pulling me into her arms. "I'm sorry. I acted up over nothing." She cooed as she nuzzled into my neck. I felt extremely uncomfortable, considering my twin sister had just told me she loved me and tried to kiss me. Unfortunately, I held her against me and gently walked her backward to the bed.

"Baby, we don't have to do this." She said, but it was obvious that she just needed a good fuck.

I said nothing, pushing her down and going immediately for her pulse point as she let out a feminine moan and tangled her fingers through my hair. Slipping my cold hands under her shirt, her body jolted under mine as I pulled them back out and began to strip her of clothing while she did the same to me.

"I need you." I growled as I pulled her shirt over her head and gripped her sides, thrusting my hips into her. She let out an exaggerated moan and thrusting upwards, eager to find some friction. I let her grind against me as I unclasped her bra and licked hot trails around her nipples, causing her back to arch and a pleading moan to break through her open mouth. I pushed her hips down to the mattress and licked around her breasts before I unbuttoned her ripped jeans and tore them off.

Getting off of her and reaching over to pull my nightstand drawer open as she unzipped my pants, I grabbed the purple phallus and black leather strap. I helped in her attempt to get my pants off, nipping her earlobe and letting a low moan escape my own mouth. I slid my hands down her eager body, twitching and aching for me to be inside of her, and slipped her underwear down her legs. I then slipped my own off and wasted no time with strapping on. She knew that I was going to give it to her rough, looking up at me as I placed my hips between her and hooked her legs around my shoulders.

I lined the phallus against her aching slit, running it up and down through her fluids as she squirmed and whimpered against me. I pressed my finger to her mouth, whispering, "Shh." before I slammed my hips into her, not bothering with foreplay. She let out a pained scream as I pulled out and shoved my way back into her, thrusting at a pace she could hardly keep up with. I wished she were Sara, I would have shown her so much more affection and care than I was with Lindsey, who's eyes were squeezed shut as I bit into her collar bone, crying out and digging into my back.

I didn't show any mercy on her, going out on her as fast and as hard as my body would allow me. "T-Tegan! I'm gonna cum!" she squealed, scratching more at my back and desperate to get out of the position I had her in. Hearing her, I went even faster, growling and huffing as I slammed into her pussy.

"Cum for me." was all I said before she was screaming in ecstasy and shaking in absolute nirvana. I wouldn't stop, though, pulling her on top of me and sitting her onto the phallus as she begged me to stop. If sex was what she wanted, I was going to give her what she wanted. Crying out, she tried to to lift off of me as I gripped my hands on each side of her hips and slammed her against me, thrusting upward so it could go deeper into her.

"Take it, baby. I'm gonna make you cum all over me." I grumbled out of breath, watching her breasts bounce up and down as she threw her head and let out a loud guttural moan. Her juices dripped onto my stomach and pelvis, but I refused to stop until she was nothing more than a body full of tender meat. She let out another prolonged scream and fell backward.

"Tegan please please please-oh fuck! Oh my fucking god I'm cumming! Oh!" she screamed, squirting hot juices onto my abdominals. I jumped over her and entered her pussy once again as she laid there, boneless and moaning. Slowing down, I gently pushed in and out until she was too tight to enter anymore.

I took the strap off and walked to the bathroom to clean it, washing soap and pumping my hand around it as I still heard Lindsey softly whimpering. Drying it off and putting it back into the nightstand, I slipped back in bed and held her to my naked body, whispering all the things that I loved about her. She buried her face in the crevice of my neck and fell asleep while I stared at the ceiling, thinking about Sara.

My phone then vibrated, and as if on cue, Sara had messaged me.

S: _I'm sorry about what happened._

 _Okay._

S: _I know you don't care anymore. I know I pushed you away until I was with Stacy, but I do love you, Tegan. I do._

 _If you loved me, you would be sleeping on my chest after the sex we just had, not Lindsey._

I decided to react coldly to her, not regretting that last message I sent her. She didn't reply. I won this battle. But then my phone vibrated and it was a photo. I didn't expect it at all to be of her naked and looking at the camera, breasts beautiful and pale. I stared at the photo in disbelief before screenshotting it, ashamed that I knew I would masturbate to it.

I couldn't reply to her, not being able to think of anything to say. There she was again, she won. Whatever sick and twisted game she was playing with me, I was too tired to fight right now, so I gently nudged away from Lindsey and went to the bathroom to satisfy my aching clit.

I sat on the floor against the cold tub, looking at the photo as I imagined her fingers deep inside of me, curling as her naked sweaty body slid against mine. I circled my clit slowly, the muscles in my legs twitching in pleasure as I moved on to push two fingers inside of me and curl. I let out the smallest whimper, not taking my eyes off of the photo, and speeding up my thrusts to calm my need.

"Fuck, Sara." I moaned quietly. I clenched myself around my fingers, thrusting gently but firmly as I let my imagination run wild with thoughts of my sister. "Oh my god," I mouthed, speeding up my pace and curling more. "I'm gonna cum." I continued, imagining my small whimpers and moans reaching Sara's ears as she smiled down at me. Unexpectedly, my juices ran down into my palm as I shook in pleasure, letting out the smallest cry and slowing down my thrusts until I pulled out.

After my body had recovered from the orgasm, I sat in an emotionlessly pit, but soon that blank expression turned to one of anger. I had never denied Sara of anything. I had been her first kiss, that moment when I realised that I was hopelessly in love with her. And she just giggled and walked away, thanking me for letting her know what it was like to kiss a girl. She always teased me, giving me imagination, but not letting me dare touch her body. And when I give up, she wants me. I'm sick of it. I won't succumb to her little games.

This was going to be one hell of a tour.


	2. II- Giving Chase

**Sara**

" _Fuck_." I muttered as I watched the taxi disappear around a corner as Tegan looked back at me. I stared after her in the middle of the road before a car blew its horn. I shuffled back onto the sidewalk, not sure what I was thinking when I tried to kiss Tegan. I know I was putting her through hell, but I wanted her, yet couldn't have her, and she would never know the torture I put myself through for our future.

I walked back into the café, not sure as to what I was feeling. Melancholy and yearning were most certainly swirling inside me, but Tegan had me at a loss for words on how cold she could be with me since I started bringing Stacy around more often. I knew she was jealous, I knew she wished she could have me, but it's impossible. We could only be together in a separate life.

Just then, I got an incoming call from Stacy.

"Hey! How's everything going?" I asked, pretending to act happy with my day.

"It's good so far. Listen, we've got a new shipment of clothing coming in, so I'll have to stay late. I'm not interrupting the meeting, am I?"

"No, she just left, actually. And okay, I'm gonna clean up and cook dinner then. What time do you think you'll be back?" I asked sweetly, suddenly engrossed in the thoughts of her.

"Probably around 10, so I'll just pick some food up. I gotta go now, love you!" she said before quickly hanging up. Rachel must have had tons of new clothing coming in, considering Stacy would be working from dusk to night. That's what I appreciated about her, she always worked so hard at what she loved.

As if Tegan knew I was thinking about Stacy, the thoughts of my sister shoving me away and running infiltrated my mind. She seemed so hard-hearted around me that I almost forgot how much she cared and tried to love me when I was at my worst. And when I found Stacy and tried to build a normal relationship with her, all she did was act like everything was alright. But I knew better than that.

I called a taxi and patiently waited, thinking more about Tegan. Her smiles never reached her eyes when she was with me anymore, and most of the time she was either partying too hard and getting massive hangovers or finding Lindsey or someone else to fuck, all the while tearing herself apart. I didn't have to ask her if she did, I already knew. The way she carried herself, Ted and Jasper often partied with her so I got the news.

"Dude she was so slammed last night." Jasper laughed, telling me about their night whenever the three went out together.

"Yeah you should have seen Tegan. She got up on the stage and gave everyone a speech about pineapple pizza and then fell and broke like ten glasses." They broke out in laughing fits together, though I was worried for her. After their little fit, Ted patted my shoulder and shook me gently, saying, "She's alright, just having fun."

They didn't know the reason why, though. Why she went out and got wasted almost every night, partying her emotions away. I couldn't blame her, but all I want is for us to be normal, though I have mostly myself to thank for putting her through this. Thinking about it only made me feel worse about denying myself to her, so I went outside and waited for my ride, putting music on.

' _Cause if you let me, here's what I'll do_

 _I'll take care of you_

 _I've loved and I lost_

Rihanna sang on, followed by some verse I couldn't keep pace with nonetheless even comprehend. The cab pulled up and I got in, telling him my address a bit harshly. I thought about texting Tegan and apologizing, but my pride was too big to do anything like that. So I looked out the window and tried to distract myself from her, remembering that I had the house to myself. Thoughts of cooking a nice dish and drinking wine alone made me smile, but once again, Tegan wouldn't leave my mind. She had no idea how much I needed her, yet she gave up too early and began treating me like a mean stranger.

We arrived at my apartment quickly, leaving me in shock at how thinking can kill time so fast. I thanked him and got out and into my house, running carefully to avoid slipping. Greeted by cold silence, I was reminded of how lonely I really was. It always seemed that I pushed the ones I loved away the most. After all, that's what I did to Tegan for three years, and I realised how badly I must have broken her; She begged, pleaded, did anything I ever wanted her to do, and yelled at me until I pushed her past tears and heartbreak, turning her stone cold.

" _Sara, please!" Tegan wailed, gripping onto jacket and pulling me back against her as I tried to walk out of the room. I tore myself from her grip and shoved her onto the floor, causing her sobs to increase as the tears flowed freely from her bloodshot eyes._

" _Just let me be with you, Sara! All I ever do is love you! You know I'd do anything for you!" she begged, fumbling to get up as I backed away from her, shaking my head in pity for her. "Please, Sara! I need you!" she screamed at me in a fit of sobs. We were fighting about our forbidden love for each other; when I told her I loved her for the first time in years, she slowly leaned in and tried to kiss me, which resulted in me shoving her away and eventually leading into this._

 _Looking at her broken frame as she stood up, her body racking with unsteady and broken cries as she wiped her tears from her eyes and tried to pull herself together, I clenched my jaw, knowing what I was going to say was going to shattered completely. "I want you to stay the fuck away from me. Get out of my life, Tegan." I said cruelly. As soon as the words escaped my mouth, I felt so vile and sick inside, hating the look that washed over her eyes. She looked at me hopelessly, tears still running down her eyes as her lips quivered uncontrollably._

" _Sara...please." she whimpered quietly, her voice breaking. I wanted so eagerly to run and take her into my arms, but my pride got the best of me when I told her that she was sick in the head and needed help. She shook her head and stumbled backward into the bed, breaking down into a loud fit of sobs again. Hearing her cries made it feel like she had stabbed a knife in my heart and twisted it slowly. I couldn't bear to see her so fragile and broken, so I turned around as quickly as possible and walked out of the room and my apartment, before I lost control of my own emotions._

I stood in the middle of that same room, broken in thought, staring at the bed like it had happened just yesterday. I remembered the look in her eyes, her body crumpled on the floor as her voice trembled, all of it making me realise that her wounds were still fresh, no matter how well she tried to hide it. By telling her I loved her and trying to kiss her, I was only pouring salt in her wounds. Truly, no matter how much she tried to hide it behind her lifeless, dull eyes, I knew that there was still a spark somewhere inside of her, because her love for me was filled to the brim. I just needed to find a way to break her walls down and bring her hope back to life.

I shook the thought from my head, once again being hit with the hard reality that we couldn't be together. Why couldn't anyone accept us? We couldn't stop it no matter how hard we tried to trick ourselves, anyway. And why couldn't they wrap their heads around the fact that we complete each other, both literally and metaphorically?

Tegan needed me, and I shoved her away from me because I didn't want to hurt her. It's ironic, how it happened, but I was saving our asses. If I hadn't walked out on her, we would probably be in fucking jail for committing incest, and Tegan was _not_ the type of girl who could survive jail. Neither was I, but she's so gentle and caring, no matter how hard she tries to disguise it.

I stripped my coat off and hung it in the closet, then walked down to the kitchen to gather the ingredients to make chicken vindaloo, Tegan's favorite dish. Putting music on, I grabbed spices with quick hands and got lost in preparing, dicing the chicken, sprinkling just the right amount of spice into the pots, and sautéing the meat. I hummed happily to the music as I distracted myself, giving myself a much needed break from all that had been going on lately.

Soon, I grabbed a dish and scooped the delicious food into it, sitting at the counter as I ate alone. For once, I didn't feel lonely. There was always a domesticity that came with Tegan's hobbies, and it had always managed to make me feel warmer when I pretended that she was just in the room playing guitar or working on her computer. I moaned in content when I took the food into my mouth, glad that Stacy had to work late tonight. We were never as close as I was with either Tegan or Emy, but for her sake, I pretended to be happy, just so I wouldn't hurt her. She did love me, and she did so much for me. I appreciate her and feel affection for her, but I don't love her.

Loving Emy, I was always by her side. I needed her with me everywhere I went in Montréal; After all, I was a stranger to the city. She helped me accept myself and made me happier after moving so far away from home for a new start, and I always felt like a better person when I was with her. But loving Tegan, I needed to love her or else I might never know what true love ever was. Loving her was like breathing in fresh air after being inside all day. Loving her was like that first spring day, where everything is sweet and fresh. Like lazy hot summer days when you lie in the hammock and sleep in quiet heat.

But loving her was also like a ship sailing through a storm, worried that you might not make it. Drowning, burning in desire, painful. Knowing that we could never be together resembled the feeling of dying. I needed her so badly, but I had never managed to show her that darker side of me until today, and I was pushed away.

I finished my supper, feeling a bit more somber, but not letting it get the best of me. We were going to fix this situation and make it out of this alive, be it together as sisters, or not together at all. I cleaned up the kitchen before walking to my room to get my toiletry bag, getting ready for a nice hot shower to ease the tension in my back that pinched at my nerves like crabs. Next, I grabbed gray sweatpants and a clean white T-shirt and walked into the bathroom, ready for the steam to cleanse my body.

Stripping the clothing from my body, a thought of Tegan slowly slipping off my bra strap rushed into my head, making me shudder and tantalise my imagination. I tried to shake the thought away as I stepped in the hot water emitting steam, but Tegan would never let my wandering mind rest, as I imagined her hands and mouth roaming all over me under the stream of water, exploring and marking what belongs to her. Another shudder shifted throughout my body as I decided that a cold shower would be the best for tonight.

" _Oh!" I cried out as Tegan took my nipple into her mouth, sucking and nibbling on the bud before descending further down my body._

" _Just relax, Sare. Let me love you." she husked, running a hot trail down my stomach before dipping into my belly button, causing me to squirm under her touches. She knew how much she was teasing, she wanted to torture me for denying her all these years._

" _You hurt me." she mumbled, gently tracing the muscle of my inner thighs as she parted them smoothly. She inhaled my scent as I jerked my body up, eager for her to just shut up and eat me out. She noticed my hands clutching tightly at the sheets underneath me, and interlocked our hands. I could do nothing but look down at her through hooded eyes as she kissed each thigh, closing her eyes again._

 _Her smile captivated me and I saw something malevolent in her eyes, making me whimper in yearning. Suddenly, she took one long lick up my slit with her broad tongue, watching me intently as I threw my head back against the headboard, moaning in utter ecstasy. "Fuuuck." was all I could manage to let out as she licked again, my core jerking as she flicked the hood of my clit with her tongue._

" _All I ever do is love you, Sara," she rasped before kissing my clit and sucking my folds into her mouth. "And you never loved me." Tegan continued on, but I was too blinded by pleasure as she subtly stuck her tongue inside of me, pulling out and returning to her agonizing licks and kisses. "You don't know how long I've been waiting for you." she hummed, sending vibrations through my body as she held my hands tighter, holding them down on the mattress._

" _Ugh," I moaned, feeling it everywhere when she bobbed her head from side to side. "Tee-Tegan, fuck me. Oh my god." She closed her eyes, biting and pulling my clit as I let out a shriek, tearing my hands from her grip and jolting my hands to her hair. I pulled at her hair as she kept her wild pace, never staying in one place. "Oh!" I shrieked again as she bit my clit again. "Tegan, please!" I cried, embarrassed at my desperate pleads._

 _I threw my arms up and covered my eyes with my palms as my high-pitched moans carried on. "Look at me, Sara." Tegan growled, stopping her actions and grabbing my arms. She tightened her grip on my wrists as she held them down, tilting her head and observing my knitted brows. "You're scared of me." she muttered, digging into my wrists. "You want me, you don't want me. You say you love me, then you run away from me. I'm tired of it, Sara." she said in a lower octave. By the way she was tightening her grip and her eyes were being filled with rage, I began to worry for my safety._

" _You're mine. You're always going to be mine." she rasped, inhaling a deep breath while her eyes closed. When she opened them again, she had the most devious look on her face that I had ever seen. "You're mine."_

" _Tegan…" I tested, lowering my voice and walking on thin ice around a flame. She lowered her head back between my legs and without warning, shoved her tongue inside my pussy, ripping a shocked guttural scream from my lungs. She wouldn't stop bobbing her head, tonguing me like a desperate little puppy as she kept my wrists pinned down. I was shaking and trying to resist closing my legs in around her head to keep her there as I came, but when her long tongue reached my g-spot and curled up, I was frantic, trying to break free of her grip. I writhed and wrenched to get away from her, my back arching and hips bucking uncontrollably as I whined in desperate shaking breaths._

 _When I let out a blood-curdling scream, Tegan knew I was at my peak, fumbling to get away from her. She shoved me up against the headboard so I couldn't escape her and entered me with two fingers as she continued to suck my clit and kiss everywhere she could._

" _Tegan! I'm cumming! Jesus Christ-" I sobbed and struggled for air as her nimble fingers pounded into my entrance. I gripped the headboard behind me until my knuckles turned white, letting out frantic shrieks and pants as two fingers turned into three. At this point, I was grabbing the sheets and eagerly trying to get the fuck away from her before I came in her mouth. She only quickened her pace and sucked harder while her free hand dug into the flesh of my hip, and I was a goner. I jutted my hand to her hair and pushed her face further into me, grinding her head up and down and I rode her tongue and fingers._

 _I shrieked frantically and thrashed as I poured into my sister's mouth, holding a death grip on her head as she slowed her pace, gentling her sucks and slowly pushing in and out. I whined again, a failed attempt at making her stop. "S-stop...Tegan...Ohhhhh…" I quietly cried as she pulled her fingers out of me, her sucking turning to soft licks._

" _Oh my god." I sighed as I looked down at her face, too busy cleaning me off to notice my lazy expression washed over with knitted brows, hooded eyelids, and a slack jaw. "Holy fuck." I groaned again as she opened her eyes to look into mine. I couldn't handle her gaze anymore as I dropped my head back weakly when she hummed in satisfaction._

" _You love me like this. This is the only way I can ever make you love me, isn't it, Sara?" she grumbled, sending shocks of euphoria through my system._

 _I shook my head lazily as she continued licking._

" _Tegan, I love you. I've always been yours. I want you to be with me. I just- ahhh!" I was cut off by her taking a harsh slow lick up my slit until she flicked the hood of my clit, causing my back to arch and body awaken in sensitivity. She apologized and kissed it, giggling as I shuddered and panted, trying to recoil from her tongue._

" _I love you so fucking much." she said before taking one last lick and kissing up my body. "I love you. I love you. I love you." she repeated as she gave a kiss to each part of my body, making me feel a certain euphoria that nobody else could ever deliver. When she came up to my collarbones, she placed the most gentle kiss to each one. "Please don't leave me." came out as a broken whisper from her mouth, wrapping her arms around me when she kissed my jaw._

" _I'm not leaving anytime soon." I whispered just as brokenly, knowing it was a fake promise, a lie, a deception. But I didn't stop her from kissing me with quivering lips, moaning as I tasted myself on her tongue._

 _We kissed for what seemed like hours, I was in such a dazed state, and when she pulled away, it all felt like a dream. She brushed her nose against mine and smiled with sadness in her eyes. We both knew I was bluffing by saying I would stay, but Tegan was always a dreamer, she wanted to live in a fantasy, where we lived happily together, our love never tarnished or fading._

 _We laid in each others arms, falling asleep to whispered promises of love and happiness. And for once, I felt truly happy as I drifted away from reality, tracing her tattoos gentle as she whispered, "We'll always be together, Sare. You and me."_

I found myself staring at the shower wall, tears running down my face as I looked down and found that my hand was pressed against my wet core at the product of letting my imagination run wild. I jerked it away, quickly washing my face and body while I cried on, cursing the world that we could never love in public, and cursing myself that I would never even let ourselves love in privacy.

After getting out and making sure my face was clear of all signs of crying, I got dressed and sat on my bed, feeling dirtier than before and ashamed that I had left her. It felt lonelier without her here, but I could get by. I got by all those times before, so why did I feel so terrible when I had another woman who loved me so much?

I decided to get my head on straight and get back to the real world. Picking up my phone, I texted Tegan.

 _I'm sorry about what happened._

T: _Okay_.

 _I know you don't care anymore. I know I pushed you away until I was with Stacy, but I do love you, Tegan. I do._

T: _If you loved me, you would be sleeping on my chest after the sex we just had, not Lindsey_.

I could have sworn that I heard my heart shatter into a million pieces. She still wanted me, yet she was having sex with Lindsey. What game was she playing now? Readings text message again, I was filled with some type of unfathomable anger and jealousy. _Two can play at this game,_ I thought as I untied my robe and slipped my shirt off.

Aiming the camera mainly at my breasts, I gave a seductive look to the camera and tilted my head, dropping my mouth open just the slightest to make the picture look like I had just had sex. After I snapped the photo, I didn't give myself time to think before I sent the photo to her, suddenly not regretting any of the events or thoughts that had went down today.

I waited for a reply, though I expected not to get one. I smiled smugly as I deleted our conversation and set the phone one end table before pulling the covers over my legs. I came to the decision that if I wanted Tegan, I was going to get her, and nobody could stop me from getting what I wanted.

"You're mine, Tegan." I said to myself, smiling and switching light off.


	3. III- Keep It In

**Tegan**

I jerked my body up from my bed, gasping for air and sweat coating my face and clothing. Though I've gotten used to the feeling of sleeping alone, I had never managed to get a good night's sleep, always having nightmares or dreaming of the worst things that could happen to me. I've always needed someone to sleep with me ever since I was a kid, but I never needed that someone to comfort me as much as I needed it now.

I grunted in frustration and laid back down, wiping my eyes and staring at the ceiling, mind clouded with sleep. Once again, Lindsey had left in the middle of the night, and had left me emptier than before. As tears collected in my eyes, I turned my head and saw that it was five in the morning, so I sat up and rubbed the tears away roughly. It wasn't fair of Sara to do this to me. While she was probably being held every night and taken care of by Stacy, I was still suffering after countless years of unrequited love for her. Why the hell can't I move on like a normal person? Why does it have to be Sara?

I stretched, letting out a tensed groan before I stood up and shuffled to my desk located across the room. I turned the lamp on and sat in the chair. Without words, I allowed myself to cry unabashedly for the millionth time that I always woke up alone, and I opened my computer to go over the plans for this tour. Fuck, I was _not_ ready for this. Maybe I should ask Lindsey to come on tour with us. If Sara could bring Stacy, then I sure as hell was going to bring someone with me.

Scanning over our social media accounts and liking posts from friends and fans, I decided to put on music and get an early start to the day, leaving sadness for later tonight. I clicked on the discography for Taking Back Sunday, and went down to make coffee as the rock music blared through the speakers of the place.

I found a note next to the coffee machine, obviously from Lindsey.

 _I'm sorry, I can't keep doing this._

 _-Lindsey_

Well, there goes my plans to bring her on tour. I didn't stress it, crumpling the note and throwing it into the trash can before continuing to make my coffee and wake up. I screamed along with the music, adrenaline slowly making its way through my body as I waited for the coffee to brew and busied myself with putting last night's dishes in the dishwasher.

I wonder what Sara was doing right now. Stacy's probably making love to her. Kissing her, touching her, making her scream. I suddenly tossed a plate harshly into the machine, enraged at the thought that it wasn't me who would be doing that. If I were Sara's lover, I would never get tired of her. I could give Sara so much more than Stacy could offer, and I understood her more than she ever could. Bitch.

When the small beeps of the coffee machine went off, I scuttled over to the machine and poured the strong liquid into a big cup, and practically drowned out any sign of actual coffee with creamer and sugar, just the way I liked it. I didn't waste time bringing it up to my mouth and taking a big gulp, shutting my eyes in pleasure as I took the drink in my system. The sweet taste of cream and sweetness flooded my taste buds while I let out a small sigh of content, a small smile tug at the corner of my lips.

 _You should have kissed her._ The thought rammed itself into my brain, causing me to stop all movement and stare blankly at the refrigerator. Should I have just gave into her instead of letting my ego get the best of me? No, I pushed the reminder of my still fresh wounds away before they had another chance to consume me yet again this morning, and I sipped my coffee and left the kitchen.

Walking through the cold and empty hallways back to my room, I thought about being single. Now that Lindsey had left me once again, that meant I didn't have any boundaries. I didn't have any clingy girlfriend telling me what or what not to do- oh wait, Sara's that clingy girlfriend that does that. Fuck, I want her to always be with me, though.

Without thinking, I sat down and looked at my lock screen, my favorite photo of Sara lighting up. I still remember that day. We had finished touring for So Jealous and had just gotten back to the hotel for a day off, and we were both so tired but happy. All day we stayed inside and watched T.V., ate junk food, and ignored everyone else. She even ignored Emy's calls. And we were close, laughing, getting lost in each other's words. It almost felt like we were a couple. And at the end of the day, while we sat in bed together and binge-watched the entire Friends series, I pulled out my flip phone and positioned it above us. She gave the phone a shy smile and I took the picture before she pulled me into her and buried her face in my soft hoodie.

Of course I had melted against her and let out the goofiest smile I had ever known. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer while she nuzzled herself against my neck, humming softly in content as she fell asleep. I was so anxious about our future together, but that day had washed all my worries away, and all I thought about was how happy we were together.

I continued staring at the screen, thinking about how miserable I've turned out to be when I realised that Sara would never let me have her. It's so fucking unfair, but she wants to keep our reputation.

" _Fuck reputation."_ I muttered sharply to myself as I put the phone down just as it began to ring and vibrate. I picked it up again and saw that Sara was calling me through facetime, and nearly went into cardiac arrest when I saw that I accidentally pressed the accept button. Fucking touchscreens.

There she was, lying against her headboard with sleep still washed fresh over her as she smiled at me. A thin white sleep shirt hung loosely around her shoulders, exposing her prominent collarbones and supple neck that I wanted so badly to cover with hickeys, and her hair was lightly scuffed around, making her look like an adorable little kid.

"Hi." she said innocently, as if she hadn't sent me that picture last night. Thinking back to it threw me into my terrible mood. The smile slowly disappeared from her face as she squinted at the camera. "Have you been crying?"

"Fuck you." I scoffed, ignoring her question. Anger raging inside of me, I immediately began to tell her off for what she caused. "You're fucking twisted, Sara. You're so fucking sick and I'm tired of you always playing your stupid fucking games, okay?" I raised my voice at her, and the fact that we were doing this over a phone was not helping to soothe my furious racing mind.

I didn't need to say much to hurt her, and by merely calling her sick, I had hit a spot inside of her, just like she did to me those years ago. "Tegan, stop crying." I hadn't realised I was even crying until she softly said those words, but I couldn't take anymore. I hung up as quickly as possible, embarrassed that she had seen me in this vulnerable state that I had hidden from her since that day she left. I didn't bother to stop the tears as I sobbed on and on without any comforting arms or words, breaking myself more as I walked to the bathroom.

I knew Sara was going to be rushing over as soon as she could, but I didn't care as I sat and cried on and on. We had so much going for us, we could have been together, I would have called my entire career off for her if it meant we could be together. And all she did was break me with her words and looks. She left me when I needed her, and there was no going back from that.

I forced myself to calm down and stop the tears just as I heard the door of my house to open, followed by my sister's troubled voice.

"Tegan!" she called out sharply, and suddenly all emotion was drained from me. I didn't make even the slightest sound or movement as I listened intently to her opening each door, getting closer to the bathroom I was in with each step and plead for me to reveal myself.

Sara suddenly burst the door open, eyes like daggers piercing through mine. The look on her disgruntled face told me that I was in for trouble, but I could easily tell her to get the fuck out of my house if I was eager enough. She stomped over to me and grabbed my hand, yanking me up from the edge of the tub. I didn't fight. I didn't even show any expression at all as she pulled me out of the bathroom and dragged me to my bedroom.

"What the _fuck,_ Tegan?!" she exasperated as she shoved me in my room. Her eyes were searching everywhere on my face and body as her nostrils flared, and I was not helping her by remaining silent and blank. I persisted on, however, not explaining anything that needed to be said.

"What is this?" she asked, shoving me backward again. "Why are you doing this to yourself? Huh?" I stumbled back as she continued to push her hands at me, getting on my nerves. I could see the viscous monster raging inside of her, over what? That I stopped chasing her? She wanted to be chased just so she could heighten her ego. And now that I wasn't there to chase her, she was pissed.

I lost it when she shoved me again, and as soon as my back hit the wall, I lunged at Sara and grabbed her legs. She shrieked as I had her draped over my shoulder and threw her on the bed, quickly jumping up and restraining her. "Let me go!" she shrilled, trying to break free of my vice grip on her wrists. She continued wrestling, but I didn't let up, causing her to huff and lose her breath quickly.

Sara let out the smallest wheeze, and from that point, began to cough as she continued to fight my dominance. "Tegan, let me go." she managed to get out in a choked whisper, but I was in a trance. I stared down at her face as she gave up and continued wheezing and shut her eyes, gulping air. _I love you so fucking much, it hurts,_ I wanted to say as I watched her every flinch and twitch in her face, but instead I stayed in the same position, keeping quiet while she kept wheezing.

I lowered my bum to where it had put pressure on her crotch, merely for my comfort, but she let out a groan and shuddered, and she must have not known that she had grinded her hips into me. A pathetic moan was let out from her mouth as my face flushed with red, watching the veins in her neck pop out as she grinded into me repeatedly.

"What. The. Fuck." I said, knocking her out of her daze and making her eyes open wide, realising what she had been doing.

Her face was all different shades of red as she looked up at me, still holding her down. As she slowly closed her eyes again, I felt her start grinding against me again, letting out the smallest whimper while my jaw dropped at seeing her so bashfully pleasuring herself. I couldn't let her do this to me, so I let go of her wrists and put more pressure to her core, thinking it would stop her. She gripped my thighs through my sleep pants and thrusted up harder, searching for friction to drive her to a gentle orgasm.

"Oh." she sighed euphorically, lost in her own world. But before she could get to her orgasm, I got off of her and walked to the desk, grabbing her puffer. She whimpered softly and closed her eyes tight, embarrassed at what she had done but she let out a sad moan at not getting to orgasm.

I sat beside her and and pulled her wheezing figure up beside me, putting the inhaler to her mouth. "Inhale." I demanded emotionlessly. She took in a deep breath and coughed a bit.

"You still keep an inhaler for me." Sara said in a soft voice. She shook her head and a smile creeped up her mouth, but I didn't let her see any trace of happiness in me. She awkwardly swung her feet off the edge of the bed, too short to reach the floor. So was I, but oddly enough, my feet could touch the cold floor.

"Get out of my house." I said, staring at the floor.

"Tegan-"

"Get out." I said, trying my hardest not to yell.

She looked over at me, and cupped my face before I slapped her hand away.

"Don't _fucking_ touch me. Get out of my fucking house." I demanded, enraged that she was making another attempt to kiss me.

When she didn't make a move, I assume because she was traumatised, I got up and dug my nails into her bicep. She cried out, thinking I was going to hurt her more, but I pulled her into me and squeezed her tightly, fearing that some invisible force would make her disappear just like all the other times she had.

I broke out into a fit of sobs, holding her close as I broke down at her small embrace and her face nuzzled into my neck. She was really the only one that could change my mood in a matter of seconds.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I cried, regretting every cold thing I've ever said or did to her, but knowing that she deserved it.

She cuddled deeper into me, nudging herself deeper into my warm body and cold heart. "It's okay. Stop breaking yourself." she cooed. "We're gonna be fine. We just need to fix things." she coaxed my vulnerabilities out.

Without letting her go, I backed her against a wall and held her tighter as I continued crying. "Why are you doing this?" I let out. "You don't know how bad you hurt me, Sara." I continued on.

"I know, I know." she said quietly. Why wasn't she apologising for all the things she put me through? Why was _I_ the one saying sorry? Whatever. I was not going to fight right now. I just needed comfort from someone- anyone, really.

She moved us to my bed and laid me down, covering me up. This was it. She was going to leave again. I'm tired of it.

I quickly sat up just as she lifted herself from the mattress, and I wrapped my arms around her, taking her down with me as she squeaked in shock. In less than two seconds, I had unzipped her jacket and threw it across the room, wrapping ourselves in heaps of blankets.

She let out a puff of resistance, but decided that fighting was not the best thing to do, considering that I most likely would have hurt her if she tried to leave again. So she remained stiff and uncomfortable as I pulled her back to my front. As soon as I snuggled her into me and buried my face in her neck, however, she loosened up and let out the cutest giggle.

"Tegan!" she squeaked again as I nuzzled my nose against her pulse point before giving her a soft kiss. She shuddered and I could feel her tense up again, so I poked her stomach and said, "Stop being so intense." she let out another giggle and did as I said, relaxing her muscles and sighing.

"I missed this." she said after a while.

"I know."

Then nothing. Her breathing was so soft and gentle, I was afraid she could slip away if a small breeze would have blown through the room. Instinctively, I held her tighter, being afraid of losing more than I already had.

"Tegan…" she whispered before turning around in my embrace. I looked into her eyes intently, searching for judgment, but I could see nothing at all. Though we were actually touching for the first time in years, I didn't give her a smile. I just stared blankly as she brought her face closer to mine. "Don't freak out." she told me, caressing my jaw as she fluttered her eyes shut and our breaths mingled.

Before she could make the first move, I closed the distance between us, catching her by surprise and causing her breath to hitch. I softly took her bottom lip between my own lips and tugged gently, causing a whimper to escape her and her throat to bob up and down in a gulp. Brushing my lips over hers and deepening the kiss as delicately as possible, I asked for entrance when I ran my tongue over hers, to which she eagerly accepted the offer with a pleading moan.

She ran one hand up and down my arm smoothly while the other held my jaw, her eyes closed in bliss. I didn't let out any other verbal pleads rather than a small moan, though I could have cried at how soft and full her lips were. Sara grinded into me, and my god, if I didn't stop her now, I would have taken her right here in my bed.

Common sense finally got the better of me as I pulled away slowly, avoiding the wet sounds that would have followed. She tried to lean in again, desperate for more, but I wiped my mouth and looked at her hooded eyes and dreamy look, saying, "We should get up."

She said nothing, still basking in the feeling until I took the covers off of us and slipped out of bed, even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. With that, she slowly rose and sat against the headboard, bringing her hand up to her lips as if to cherish that moment for as long as she could. I couldn't stand to look at her, knowing that she'll say this was a mistake and leave again.

I braced myself for it, waited while I walked to the kitchen to get water. And sure enough, she slowly approached me with a timid look all over her face.

"Tegan-"

"It was a mistake. I know."

"That's not what I was going to say."

"Then what, Sara? That we shouldn't have done that? That we can act like it never happened? It's the same thing. Every fucking time we ever even say anything, you crawl back to me and say the same things. It's nothing new. So why don't you leave?"

"I was going to ask you if we could spend time together before we go on tour." she nearly whispered, her voice strained and her face pale white.

I tsked at her and laughed. "Oh yeah, because after two years of staying away from each other, now we're going to go on dates and be together _forever_. Everything will be perfect between us, Sare. We'll kiss and be happy and-"

"I just wanted to know if we could have dinner!" she cut me off, yelling.

"No, Sara. I don't want to have dinner with you." I growled.

"What the fuck is your problem? One second you hate me and then the next-"

" _You_ did this to me!" I barked at her, walking and shoving a finger into her shoulder.

She furrowed her brows and studied me with a hard expression. "Tegan, you're living in a fantasy. You think we can just be together and-"

"No, _you're_ the one living in a fantasy! 'You wanna have dinner?'," I mocked in a sarcastic sweet voice. "That's a fucking fantasy, Sara! Have you even acknowledged the fact that we hardly even spoke to one another outside the studio or on tour for the past two years?!"

"Fuck you, Tegan." she said, and tears welled in her eyes.

"No, fuck _you_ , Sara. I fucking hate you for what you did to me." I yelled brutally. "You make me feel like I'm losing my fucking mind."

At this point, the tears flowed freely down her face and her lip trembled. I admit, I would take all those words back just to hold her in my arms and make her feel loved, but it was too late. She spun around and got out of the house as quickly as she could, but I wouldn't allow it as I chased after her.

"No! Stop fucking running away all the time!" I yelled.

She ran out the door, stumbling down the steps and tripping because of the tears blurring her vision, but she got right back up and sprinted away as I just got to the end of my lawn. _Asthma,_ the thought quickly came to me and I rushed back inside to grab the inhaler and a coat before bursting out of door and full-fledged running after that small figure, already struggling for air. I could hear her loud coughs as she persisted, so I sped up and sprinted as fast as I could, yelling, "God fucking Damnit, Sara!"

I kept running, and soon enough I was onto her. She gave up and crumpled to the sidewalk, wheezing heavily and gulping for air. I fell to my knees as she clutched at the hem of my jacket, my voice full of worry and all traces of anger gone. "Inhale." I told her, gripping her shirt and on the verge of crying because I loved her too much to hurt her.

She squeezed her eyes shut and held a sharp intake of air before hacking and coughing. With that, I took my coat off and wrapped it around her upper body.

"Come on. You're okay. You're gonna be okay." I said, adrenaline pumping uncontrollably through my body. I picked her up as a prince would do for a princess, and walked back to my house with a crying Sara nuzzled into my neck.

She clutched the back of my neck and sobbed as I walked across the streets, trying to soothe her with words and apologies.

"I'm sorry. I never want to hurt you." I whispered in her ear and kissed her neck softly.

"My knee. It hurts." she cried, her tears mixing with my sweat and running down the crevice of my collarbones.

"I'll fix it. Calm down." I cooed as I walked on, my house now only a couple hundred feet away. I was not scared of who would see us. I only cared about Sara right now. I nudged her head up so she could see me, and I took her bottom lip into mine carefully. She whimpered and added more pressure to the kiss, making me stumble blindly down the sidewalk as I lost control and kissed her with insatiable greed.

I didn't let her mouth leave mine, not that she wanted to. She was shaking vigorously and I tasted her tears in my mouth as I moaned in a sad, consuming hunger. She tasted so sweetly of coffee and honey, and the saltiness of her tears only added to the passion that had lit inside of me.

I stumbled across my yard with her now cradling my jaw, letting out pained whimpers and pleads, begging for this to continue. But I needed to see how bad her knee was and get her cleaned up. She fumbled with one hand to get the door opened as I put more pressure on her lips, letting out a pathetic grumble.

We bursted into the house and I kicked the door shut behind me, carrying her over to the kitchen and setting her on the island. She cupped my face with both her hands now as I snuck my hands inside her shirt, holding the small of her back and pulling her into me as I grinded against her.

"God." I grunted between kisses, out of breath but not caring. She knitted her brows and whined, kissing me hard while our tongues played and twirled around one another.

Before we could take it any further once again, I pulled away as she mewled in lamentation.

"We need to fix your knee." I heaved, brushing my hair back in sexual frustration. She nodded and stayed right where she was while I walked to the bathroom to get the right things. _Of course you don't have rubbing alcohol, you fucking idiot_ , I thought when I couldn't find it.

With the gauze, tape, scissors, hydrogen peroxide, a rag, and ointment, I walked back into the kitchen. She was still there, looking at her pants where the wound had bled through. I felt terrible knowing that I was the cause of it.

"We don't have rubbing alcohol, so we're going to have to use vodka." I said, grabbing the alcohol. She nodded her head in silence and bit her lip, her mind obviously on other things. "Also you need to take your pants off." I added, to which her face flushed.

"Okay." was all Sara said as I heard her belt buckle being undone. I walked back over to her and set all the first aid and vodka down beside her. Due to her sitting, I took her pants off for her, asking her to lift her hips and I slid them down her legs. I tried not to stare at her panties, white Calvin Klein lace covering her shaved mound, so I looked at her knee instead, gasping softly at the bruised and bloodied injury.

"I'm sorry." I said more as a whisper. She shrugged if off and replied, "Shit happens."

I didn't laugh, only looking up and abruptly kissing her as she immediately fell deep into the kiss. I couldn't keep doing this, living in this small fantasy when the real world was going on around us, so I pulled away gently again.

"This is going to hurt." I said, twisting the bottle of vodka open and placing the rag around the wound. "Just try to distract yourself, okay?"

She nodded, looking into my eyes with worry. With that, I poured the alcohol on her knee. She shrieked in pain and doubled over into me, clutching my back and digging her short nails in my skin. I hissed and shut my eyes tight as we both suffered in pain.

"Tegan, wipe it. God it hurts. Oh god." she whined in pain. I quickly did as she said, wiping it as she cried out.

"Fuck!" she let out, digging deeper as I let out a pained groan. She must have heard it, because she let go, apologising.

"It's alright. We need to do it one more time though." I told her. She shook her head quickly, not wanting to feel the pain again, but I needed to get all the bacteria out.

"I'll count this time. And do whatever you need to let the pain out, okay?" I asked for her consent, getting it in the form of a dreaded nod from her. I got the bottle and rag ready again, counting down and looking into her eyes.

"1...2...3." I counted, and as soon as I said three and poured the bottle, she gripped my shirt and kissed me hard, whimpering in agony and ecstasy as she grinded her hips against mine. I was in utter shock, and overly aroused at her decision in distraction. I brought the rag to her knee as she kept grinding and mewling, desperate to replace the pain with pleasure.

I moved slightly so she could understand that we needed to focus on her knee, so she stopped and looked at me apologetically.

"Don't be sorry." I said gently, opening the peroxide. "Sara, by the end of today, you'll regret this. And we'll go back to the way things were. You have a girlfriend. And she loves you, and you love her."

"What about us? Do you love me?" she asked bashfully, not wanting to look me in the eye.

I poured the peroxide on the wound, making her jerk backward and forget her questions. She threw her head back and her lips trembled as she tried her hardest not to cry out at the pain. I wiped it off and cut the gauze, dabbing it with ointment before getting the tape and wrapping it around her knee. I could tell that the ointment soothed the inflamed wound, as she had let out a sigh and closed her eyes.

I dropped down to my knees and kissed the bandage softly while she looked down at me in confusion that soon broke into a dorky smile.

"Come on. You need to wash your face." I told her, standing up and pulling her off of the counter. She giggled and pulled me into her, not giving me a chance to move away before kissing me.

"Sara...Come on, no...We need to-" She shut me up by kissing me harder, and I fell into a weak daze as I gave into her. She smiled so widely and her eyes sparkled with such passion. I wanted to smile, but I was still in shock about everything that had happened in this one short morning, and besides, I hadn't smiled at Sara since the day before she walked out on me.

I groaned and knitted my brows, and before I knew it, I had her pinned against the refrigerator, sucking her pulse point as she mewled and whined for more.

 _No, no, no. Stop. She's not here to stay._ The thought forced me to stumble backward.

"What? What's wrong?" Sara asked, panicked.

"Sara...we can't do this."

She looked at me with an expression that could only be seen as confusion, but I could see that visible shift to insecurity and anger.

Without another word, she looked down at her clothes and straightened them out with her hands, then slowly turned around and walked to my bathroom to wash her face.

Slowly but surely, common sense and all the reasons I should have never let her stay had came back to me, and by the time she had gotten out of the bathroom looking fresh, I resorted back to that same cold stranger I was.

"Call a taxi or something. You can't stay here." I muttered, staring at her with a stone-cold expression.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she replied, her voice hitched and her eyes searching for anything other than ice in my stature, which I would not give her.

" _You're_ what's wrong. You fucking tricked me and you used me."

"Fuck you! You kissed me first!" she yelled.

"You made the first move and you dragged me into it!"

She shook her head and chuckled in the most twisted way possible. "And you wanted it, you can't deny it."

It was true; I wanted it, and I was not going to deny it, but that didn't mean that everything was fixed and she could ditch Stacy so we could live happily together. This was the real world.

I gritted my teeth and held my tongue, knowing better than to speak my mind.

Sara shook her head again and smiled deviously. She always had a knack for teasing the ones chasing her. And that exactly what she was doing to me with the way she looked up at me and approached me slowly. She took my hand and traced the tendons and veins. I stood rigid and erect, not daring to make a move; I feared if I did, I would lose all control and hurt her.

"What's really wrong, Tee? Have I got you all hot and bothered?" she husked low and seductively. I stared down at her with rage itching to crawl out and attack her. But I know what would work better.

"Sick fuck." was all I had to say, and she backed away from me with a look of disbelief in her eyes. We stood there, staring at each other before she took my coat off of her and set it on the counter with the softness of a kitten. As if every move was calculated, she limped and sat down at the table carefully and stared at nothing.

Of course guilt has to always get the better of me, so I walked over slowly and just as calmly as she did. Why did she always make me feel terrible about hurting her when she never even apologised for what she did to me?

With nothing being said, I knelt down beside her and waited for her to turn to look at me. When she didn't, I put my hand on the back of her neck and brought her face closer to mine as she finally turned to face me.

"Have dinner with me." she said, hope in her eyes. _What the fuck_. Where was this all coming from? Two fucking years, and now for a month she's been trying to get me back.

"Sara-"

"Please, Tegan."

"No."

I could see her getting desperate. "Please. Just say yes." she begged.

"Sara, the tour is starting next week-"

We both began talking at the same time, between me justifying why we shouldn't do that, and her pleading me to ignore the world and just give in.

My brain stopped registering what was happening when I felt a soft pair a lips against my own, tossing me into a state of shock. But just as fast as it was there, it was gone.

"Sorry." she whispered. I was still in shock, but shook it off and stood up.

"Sara, we're not going on a date. I don't care what you say."

"Fine." she said, looking back at the table. She cleared her throat and stood up. "I should be getting back home. I'm sorry for barging in on you like that."

"Okay." I rasped. "I'll pay for the ride." I wrapped my arm around her waist and helped her walk over to the couch.

Sara smiled and my heart could have melted at how sweet and innocent she could be.

"No, I've got it."

"No, really, I got it."

She laughed at me, shaking her head. "You're so controlling."

I shrugged and went to get her coat, but she grabbed me and pulled me down.

"Sara, I swear to fucking god, stop." I growled, irritated at how much she was trying to touch me, but she hugged me tightly. I sat there, not really knowing what to do as she said, "I'm sorry for everything."

So I sat there, mind going blank at her apology while she hugged me and apologised for about a thousand other things that I didn't listen to.

"Okay okay okay," I said, eager to just get away from her. "I forgive you. Now let me go so I can get your stuff and you can leave."

Sara seemed hurt by my words, but at this point, I didn't care what hurt her. She couldn't ever fix what she did to me. And that was my problem, not hers, anyway. I wriggled out of her embrace and walked to get her coat.

When I walked back, she was still in the same position, messing with her nails. I tossed it at her and picked up my phone to call the cab.

After that, I grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator and a nutrition bar, handing it to her as she smiled slightly. But obviously, the smile didn't reach her eyes.

"So…" she said awkwardly.

"So." I replied.

"What do we do now?"

"I don't know. It wasn't my idea to practically break into my house."

"Hey, I worry about you."

"Because that's a totally valid excuse."

She shrugged, sipping her water.

"Valid enough." she said.

The rest of the time was silent until I saw that the cab had pulled up. With that, I broke the uncomfortable silence and helped her up and zipped her coat for her.

"Dinner at my house on Friday. Eight O'clock." I muttered, and her face brightened so much as she smiled and that same hope built back into her eyes.

She nodded as I helped her out of the house and into the cab while the taxi driver smiled a bit.

When she was in and buckled, she told him the address and I gave him the money, telling him to keep the change.

"Drive safely, or I'm coming after you." I joked to him, but Sara saw that I meant it. She smiled and I saw a warmth in her eyes that made me want to just carry her right back inside and keep her as my own forever.

But I shut her door and we looked at each other as the car began moving away. I could see her eyes looking back at me as my tears already began to pool and fall down, not saving any embarrassment for me as I broke down crying.

I needed to toughen up and resist her. I needed to make it out of this alive. But Jesus, I needed her so badly.


	4. IV- The Beginning of Heartbreak

**Sara**

Words couldn't describe how happy I felt, knowing that I could spend my last day off with Tegan before the tour started. Stacy would be pissed off but she'll be tagging along with us all tour long. She didn't need to have me right now, anyway, if she was so busy with work.

I smiled and waved back to Tegan as the cab continued on, but as soon as I saw her small body shudder and break down bit by bit, my smile disappeared and something darker formed inside of me, an unfathomable regret and sorrow building up. Though I tried to push it away, looking at Tegan crying and shuffling back to her house in the distance wasn't helping, so I turned around in my seat.

I didn't want to treat Tegan like a second option, though I knew that's how I always made her feel. She deserves someone who could love her without shame and without regret, and as much as I wish I could, I just couldn't do it. But if lying about it and saying I had no shame meant that she could be happy, we both know damn well that I'd say it. And that's what I'm going to do.

We drove through the foggy gray town in awkward silence, the driver obviously more careful than he's used to being. Thinking about the threat Tegan gave him made me smile and laugh to myself as he pulled into my driveway.

Thanking him and running inside the house, I finally let my dumb smile break out, already anticipating the date.

"Stacy?" I called out, but when I didn't get a reply, I jumped up and down excitedly and squealed. Tegan never failed to make me feel like a teenage girl, always anxious if she likes what I'm wearing or if she approves of my songs. I might as well write all over my notebook that she rocks my world. Because she does, she really does.

After my fit of happiness and dancing around, I put on a happy playlist and cleaned the house, singing and imagining us cuddling and laughing just like we used to do. But those thoughts were interrupted when I heard Stacy's car door shut. And just like that, everything came crashing down as I was filled with guilt and discomposure, realizing that I was cheating on my girlfriend.

"Sara?" she called while coming in and shutting the door. I put the rag and cleaner down on the sink and called out, "I'm here."

"You're home early." I said as she pulled me in for a kiss.

"So are you. Did you eat fruit or something? You taste good." she kissed me a bit harder, which took me by surprise because she isn't usually this affectionate.

"No, Tegan just gave me a nutrition bar." I said between kisses.

"Mmm, so good."

Of course I became anxious, not sure why she was being romantic like this, but I gave in and moaned as she slipped her tongue in my momouthS pushed me a bit, giving signal to blindly stumble upstairs to the bedroom.

"Somebody's turned on today." I giggled, forgetting about Tegan as my mind became ignited with Stacy's arousal.

"You do that to me." she smiled through the kiss, making me lightheaded and in awe of her.

We fell on the bed was she nipped and kissed my neck, and I just thanked whoever is up there that Tegan didn't leave hickeys. I always hoped she would, but now was definitely not the time to think of my sister.

No words were said as we stripped each other and she laid on her back. For a moment I thought she wanted to receive, but she quickly grabbed my hips and pulled me up to where I was straddling either side of her face. My face immediately heated up and I became insecure, knowing that my arousal was really from Tegan and not the woman underneath me.

"We've...we've never done this before." I stuttered shyly as I looked down into her eyes. Almost like looking at a stranger.

"Don't worry, let me make you feel good." she breathed on my clit, causing to wriggle a bit while she smiled up at me. She spread my legs and caused me to fall down a bit as I put my hands on the headboard for leverage.

Before I could let my face flush even deeper, she took a long slow lick up my slit. I threw my head back and let out a long breathy moan.

I didn't even have time to recover from the pleasure of that one lick before she completely going at me, tonguing my pussy and sucking my clit like she hadn't eaten or drank anything in days.

I yelped as she wrapped her arms around my thighs and pulled me down harder on her face, shutting her eyes and letting out a moan that sent vibrations through my core. Fingers now clutching the headboard as tightly as I could, I couldn't help but grind against her face, spewing out whimpers and gasps while she managed to shove her face deeper into me until I could feel every small lick and twitch.

"Stacy!" I shouted, the heat in my stomach pooling as she continued to shove my body back and forth to grind against her face. I cried out and tried to lift away from her in desperation to not to come in her mouth, but she dug her short nails into my thighs and held me down against her as I begged to be let go of.

I let out another breathy scream and hit the wall with my fist, fighting an inner war of whether to fight the oncoming orgasm or give in and ride her until I came. Being the selfish girl I am, I quickly and mindlessly chose the latter. With one hand, I tangled my fingers through her hair and pulled her into me, frantically rolling my hips against her face and shouting as she hummed against me.

"Fuck!" I screamed, feeling the hot pool of arousal pour out of me and into her open mouth. I had never been so dominant with somebody, and yet here I was, stroking her hair and groaning in pleasure as she cleaned me off.

I offered to return the favor, wriggling away and descending down her body, but she politely declined and pulled me into her arms, both of us panting and giggling in the aftermath of our actions.

"So how's your day going?" she asked, kissing my hair.

"Is that some sort of trick question?" I laughed, closing my eyes and getting closer to her to avoid the coldness.

"I didn't know you two had an off day today."

"Oh yeah. We just called each other and said to chill out for the day." I lied, and once I was reminded of Tegan, I felt terrible about what I had just done with Stacy.

"I just came back to get my files, actually. But uh, guess I came for more." we both laughed, cuddling and breathing steadily.

"Oh shit, you better get back before Rachel kills you."

"I know, I know." she grumbled, lazily letting go of me and stumbling out of bed. I loved her so much.

She sent a wink my way before disappearing into the bathroom to clean herself up, and I was left still jerking a bit from the sensitivity, but hit with the guilt of everything.

I shouldn't be doing this with Stacy when I have a date with Tegan on Friday, but I shouldn't even be having a date with Tegan when I'm with Stacy. I couldn't control my feelings for either of them, and it stressed me out to the point where I was deathly silent as Stacy came out of the bathroom, fresh and beautiful.

"You okay?" she questioned, suspicious in my sudden mood change.

"Yeah, just tired." I mumbled, putting a pillow over my head.

"I'd say sorry, but I'm not. I've gotta get going, but I'll be back around eleven, 'kay?"

"Yeah I'm just going to take a nap for a while and finish cleaning up."

"Alright, love you!" she called as she walked out of the room.

"I love you too!" I called back, my voice faltering at the partial truth.

When I heard the front door to the house close, I threw the pillow away from me and stared at the ceiling as a wave of emotions crashed over. With Stacy, our conversations were so lifeless and bland. She was an amazing woman but she just didn't carry that excitement.

Conversations with Tegan, on the other hand, were so full of life and feeling. She always knew how to make me sad, make me laugh, make me just feel everything that she wanted me to feel. _Stop comparing Tegan to Stacy, goddamnit,_ I urged myself to stop doing that. I needed to get myself set straight and do what common sense would allow me, but it just couldn't show itself after the kisses.

I sat up and set my feet on the floor, drawing lines around the carpet as I huffed in frustration and looked around. Everything here was so clean and organized, walls white, no family pictures, everything was in pristine shape. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself that I liked this style, deep down I hated it.

Tegan's house was so cozy. Pictures of us and our family hung from the walls at the slightest angle, soft shag rugs covered the living room along with furry blankets and small pillows. The bedrooms each had tapestries and pictures hanging on the walls, the beds were neatly made, but were so big and always made me feel so small and protected when we used to sleep over. And when I woke up, I would always swing my feet off the edge and smile when I heard her cooking breakfast while singing. The kitchen was very clean but still, with the addition of pictures and sunlight peeking through each window, everything just me feel at ease. But that was before.

Now, her house was just as empty as mine. She had boxed up all the pictures that brought so much life and comfort in it, and there was hardly any decor. She even rolled up the rugs to take away all signs of coziness in that house. All that was left was the lonely beds, cold floors, and blackout curtains covering every natural source of light. The silence was violent, as if one drop of a pen could cause everything to fall apart. It was a glass house, sensitive and fragile, where a paperback-hearted girl resided, delicate and reposed.

I caused that; I had broken her to the point where she made sure to be careful in everything she did, and where she trusted nobody anymore. Not even me, but I hadn't realised how terrible I felt until I heard the stories about her at the parties. Going out and clubbing it up until she either got laid or got too drunk to stand up. I wanted her to be happier and live freely, but apparently I only made it worse until she slipped away from me all at once.

I wasn't going to deny that I enjoyed the games I had began playing on her, but when I didn't get the reaction that I wanted, that glow of hope that always used to burn in her irises, I started to get desperate myself. I bragged about Stacy, even though she was nowhere near what I was describing, I always texted her and pretended to giggle when Tegan was around, and once I even dirty talked Stacy on the phone in the bathroom when I knew Tegan could hear me. None of it fucking worked. Her eyes were lifeless and dull with dread, her face stone cold, and she was even more ignorant than before.

And that's when I became the chaser. I begged for her attention and tried to win her back, but no, she just muttered a simple _fuck you_ and left. Every day that I saw her after one of her infamous nights, she still had that after-sex glow and a dazed look in her eyes that made me want to just drag her to a bed and have her fuck the daylight out of me. I was jealous enough as it was, but when I had walked in her house while she and Lindsey were having sex one day, I became absolutely obsessed.

It was the afternoon around June when it happened, I was planning on to just give Tegan her jacket and glasses that she had left at the studio, and had walked to her door. I knocked loudly, but nobody had answered me. I gave it one last knock before I tried to twist the knob, which was unlocked, so of course I opened it. As soon as I stepped inside, Lindsey's cries of pleasure pierced my ears, followed by Tegan's grunting and the bed creaking vigorously.

My jaw dropped at the sounds, and I found myself almost hypnotically tip-toeing closer to the source. The door was cracked open, and though I knew I shouldn't have, I peeked in.

"Fuck fuck fuck! Tegan, oh my god!" Lindsey shouted and whimpered, digging her nails down Tegan's back as she was pinned against the headboard. Her eyes were squeezed shut and her mouth wide open, cursing Tegan as said woman pumped in and out of her with a strap on. Tegan's back was covered in deep, red nail marks and blood trails, and her entire neck was bruised with Lindsey's sucking.

"Fuck, you like this, baby?" Tegan grunted as she grabbed Lindsey's hips and slammed the dildo harder inside of her, causing me to gape in amazement at her endurance. Lindsey bit her shoulder and screamed before Tegan hissed and pulled out with a loud pop. She grabbed Lindsey's legs and dragged her away from the headboard, hooking them over her shoulders and wasting no time slipping the large skin toned phallus back inside of her girlfriend.

She rocked into Lindsey in a wave-like motion, slow and deep as Lindsey's eyes rolled to the back of her head, letting a deep guttural moan escape her lungs. "Fucking Christ, I'm gonna cum." she whimpered, digging her fingers onto Tegan's biceps. I saw Tegan's devious smile that sent excitement throughout my body and caused my clit to throb. Tegan moved her hands down and spread Lindsey further before she went at her like a sledgehammer, slamming so quickly and deep into Lindsey, who was screaming frantically and scratching to get away from the overwhelming pleasure.

I didn't know why I was even watching, but the sights and the sounds and her hips meeting with Lindsey's had me pressing my legs together for some sort of friction to relieve the ache of my clit.

"Come for me, Linds." Tegan growled. God, she sounded so sexy and calculating. Lindsey gave up on trying to get away from the orgasm and dug her nails into Tegan, dragging them down slowly as she cried out. Tegan hissed when Lindsey bit her shoulder to muffle her uncontrollable shouts, and when Lindsey crumpled back down to the bed, Tegan finally slowed down.

"You're so good, baby." Tegan whispered as she took Lindsey's legs off her shoulders and spread them to keep her slow easy rhythm, laying soft kisses on her neck and collarbones. Lindsey heaved and jerked each time the base of the phallus came into contact with her sensitive clit, choking out a weak, "I love you." With that, Tegan slowly eased out of her with a slick noise and laid next to Lindsey, who put her head on Tegan's chest, falling asleep quickly.

After their act of animistic lust, I had decided to slip out quietly and walk somewhere where I could call a taxi. For the rest of the day while Stacy was still at work, I had touched myself looking at pictures of Tegan and imagining her doing that to me. Stacy and I would never dare to bring our sex to that level of lust. We'd always make sure that the other was comfortable with it, and we'd often be gentle and careful with our moves.

Today, however, I wanted more of. I wanted that bit of roughness that she gave me when she grinded me so hard against her tongue and held me down. It added passion into the sex. And with the way Tegan was pounding into Lindsey like that, I knew she had many unreleased emotions. Remembering the visuals of Tegan's back curling and her strong muscles contracting and moving like waves, I felt an odd feeling in my stomach, like it was aching but filled. It made me feel quite sick actually, but not bad, as I put my clothing back on and walked to finish cleaning the house.

I needed to stop lusting so badly after Tegan and focus more on Stacy, but I just couldn't control myself. I mopped, cleaned the windows, vacuumed, steamed all of my clothing, disinfected the kitchen, all the while creating hypothetical situations for our date on Friday. As I was lint rolling the couch, I got an incoming call. I had a certain ringtone for Tegan's number, and as soon as I heaad that annoyingly loud pinging, I ran.

Jumping over the couch and rolling to the floor, I popped right back up and raced to the counter, picking the phone up and accepting the call while my lungs heaved for oxygen.

"Hey, what's up?" I said as normal as I could.

"Did you not hear me ringing your doorbell like ten thousand times?" she asked irritatingly. Oh shit. She was at my house.

With that being said, I didn't even hang up as I ran downstairs, managing to trip over one of the carpet ends. "Fuck." I muttered, getting up and running to the door. I swung it wide open and leaned against it casually, despite my messy hair and wheezing.

"'Sup?" I asked, immediately wanting to slap myself for being such an idiot.

She looked me up and down with confusion wiped over her face that quickly turned back to that sober straight face.

"You left your inhaler at my house when I took it off. Sorry." she said coldly.

I grabbed the collars of her black leather jacket and pulled her inside. "You look cold, come on, you can stay for a bit." I practically begged as she pulled away.

"No, I'm good." she muttered, but I wasn't going to let her be like this. I've had enough of that for two years. I grabbed her again, forcefully pulled her inside, and shut the door. "What the fuck, Sara?" Tegan had a look of utter shock and irrational anger.

"Seriously, it's pretty cold out there. Get warmed up, I'll make you coffee." I spoke quickly, not bothering to hide my eager tone. She hesitated and made a move for the door, but decided to sit down as she huffed in annoyance.

I couldn't help but to smile as I tried to help get her jacket off. "Stop being so touchy." she growled, slapping my hands away. I agreed that I was getting too desperate and walked to the kitchen to make her coffee. I hummed happily and nervously as I got out the coffee grounds, putting them into a grinder. Pressing the button, I grinded it, lost in my own happiness that Tegan finally decided to stop by, even though I basically forced her to.

I took the grounds out and poured them into the filter before filling up the coffee pot with enough water for four cups, then put the pot in its place and pressed the "brew" button. The machine spurted a bit, then began to putter out into the pot. I figured I should give Tegan a little space, so I stayed where I was, staring at the dripping coffee and tapping my fingers against the counter in small rhythms.

Approaching footsteps knocked me out of my hypnotism as I turned around to look at Tegan, who was inches away from my face.

"I have to go." her warm breath hit my face as our eyes were locked. I said nothing, just continuing to look deeply into her eyes as she did the same. I tried to find something- anything- that could give way to what she was thinking, but she turned her head away and backed up a bit, much to my disappointment.

"You don't want coff-" I started to ask, but she shoved my back into the counter as I hissed in pain. "What the _fuck?!"_ I said loudly, but Tegan didn't say a single word. She was squeezing my biceps and piercing her gaze into my eyes as she breathed heavily, obviously fighting a war in her mind.

Without another word, her head dropped to my shoulder and inhaled strongly, and for a minute, I thought she had turned into some rabid animal. Betraying my thoughts, her grip softened as her hands slid down my arms and intertwined her fingers with mine. Her breathing was still heavy, but other than that, she felt so soft and fragile against my body. I awkwardly put my head on her shoulder, and we stayed like that until she lifted herself off of me. My head was still on her shoulder, and she let it remain that way. We fit so perfectly together.

She brought her hand up to my chin and slowly lifted my head up until I was looking into her empty eyes, and she brought our faces closer. I was so drunk on her right now that I could have fell to the floor from my legs being so weak. She slowly brought her face closer to mine until I felt a soft brush of her lips, and that was it. Before I could literally drop to the floor, she wrapped both her hands around my bum and picked me up as I wrapped my legs around her waist.

Carrying me back into the living room, we only focused on each other, not daring to look away from one another. She was slightly slack-jawed but her face remained intense as I felt her neck straining. She sat down and had me straddling her as we continued our silence, looking at each other; one with no display of emotion, and the other raging with it. My eyes pleaded desperately for her to just show anything at all.

With her hands, she pulled me in closer to her. By this time, I was over the edge of desire as I grinded myself down against her, causing her to quickly recoil and throw me off onto the couch.

"No." she sternly said. I wanted to cry at the mental and sexual frustration she was putting me through. She sat there in silence, and I was mentally beating myself to death at ruining such an intense and romantic moment.

"I'm sorry." was all I said before I stood up and walked back into the kitchen to finish making coffee. Keeping my footsteps as quiet as possible, I could feel Tegan's eyes burning holes through the back of my head, but I kept my attention on the coffee, slowly pouring the black, now luke-warm liquid into the two cups.

"Do you want sugar?" I asked.

"No." She replied. She got up, walked into the kitchen, and stood across the island from me, watching my every move. Anxiety took over and I started to stutter with my words.

"I c-can put cream in it, if you want."

"No."

Tegan could at least try to forget what just happened and cooperate in my attempts at starting a conversation, but she wouldn't give in. I stirred a bit of creamer in her cup and carried it over to her. I set her cup in front of her and took a sip from mine, smiling as my taste buds happily accepted the drink.

Without warning, Tegan pulled me into her and kissed me with lips so soft, but hunger so aggressive. Before I knew it, she had me on the island with my legs wrapped around her waist while she was ravishing my neck with kisses and bites. Whimpering against her shoulder, I bucked my hips to meet hers in a feverish manner. She clutched my hips and pulled them harder against hers, causing me to grab her biceps.

"Please." I begged pathetically, but she seemed more than willing to adhere to my need, picking me up and bringing me to the couch as I frantically undulated my hips against her body.

Tegan dropped me onto the arm of the couch and hovered inches away from me as her lower body gave hard and slow thrusts, making me throw my head back and sigh in relief. When she saw me strain my neck muscles, she sped up her pace, grinding against my covered clit as I shut my eyes at such a heavenly feeling. She didn't let any sound escape her other than a puff of exertion, bringing me closer to that hot relief settling in my stomach.

"Oh my god." I squeaked, digging my nails into her biceps as she distracted herself with my neck. Though I wanted her to just rip my clothing off and grab whatever sex toy she could find and fuck me senseless, this was more than enough right now. I opened my eyes and saw that she also had her eyes closed, occasionally throwing her head back and gulping air, and that alone brought me to my peak.

My back arched and I was stuck in an amazing bliss as she grinded harder, and I caught her looking at me with knitted brows.

"Fuck." she grunted, gripping my sides. Her knees began to buckle, I was wriggling and bucking to meet her hips, and we were stuck watching each other climb to our orgasms.

I was the first to hit my peak, hugging her tight as she kept her pace and looked at my face. I fell back and rested on my hands, watching her close her eyes and throw her head back, shuddering and gasping. It was beautiful, the way her body fell into her orgasm; I couldn't help but gather tears at my eyes when she pulled me in and held me to keep herself from folding to the floor.

Letting out a prolonged groan, Tegan buried her head in the crevice of my collarbones, lightly kissing and licking my salty skin.

All I could do was pant and run my fingers through her soft dark hair as she stopped kissing me. I was wondering what she was thinking, but it was clearly guilt as she jerked away and practically ran to the other couch, grabbing her jacket.

"Tegan! You don't get to fucking do that to me and leave!" I yelled loudly, but she was already halfway out the door as she turned and gave me a look that broke my heart. _I'm hurting you like you hurt me,_ it said. She turned around as I hopped off the arm of the couch and ran after her, but she slammed the door and bolted away.

I was left staring at the door, stunned and not exactly sure what just happened, but tears ran down my eyes as the situation settled in my confused and hurt mind. I guess I was getting a taste of what I put her through, though there is no doubt that she was put through the worst of this love. I deserved it, but it felt like a slap in the face, causing me to hang my head and give into the tears, crying quietly. I heard her phone ping, but I made no move to try and go get her to give her phone back.

I couldn't get enough of the pain I deserved. I walked in defeat to the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub and staring at the floor. When I decided what I was going to do to feel more pain, I turned and grabbed the razor sitting on the shelf, my hands shaking.

"One." I sobbed, dragging the blade across my wrist. I gasped and squeezed my eyes shut as I whimpered. The pain rammed itself through my arm, sending hot sensations and nerve shocks everywhere.

"Two." The cuts began to speckle with blood as I dragged the smooth razor over my wrist again, just below the other one. "Three." With each cut, I brought the hot blood closer to the surface, causing the spots to become irritated as I mindlessly went on.

I went back and retraced the other cuts until the tissue sliced open and blood freely flowed out, showing itself as dark pools scattering along the cut and running down my forearm. The razor had three blades on it, so by giving myself four cuts, I had twelve closely knit slits.

"Four." I choked out, and I put the most pressure on this one. Pressing the razor into my soft skin and jagging the blades up where they were cutting into my skin, I held my breath and squeezed my eyes shut as tears rushed out of my eyes, dragging the blade slowly across the small expanse of my wrist.

Blood ran in tails, dripping onto the floor, leaking down my left arm, pooling around the cuts. I let myself bleed out, at this point, wailing in pain as the blood continued running out. I don't know what was wrong with me, but I needed more. I squeezed my forearm, which caused more blood to run out of the cuts. My knee began to ache again, only adding to the pain that I deserved.

" _Oh god!_ " Tegan's yell pierced through my lamentations of agony. She ran to the tub where I was sitting and pulled off her jacket and t-shirt in one quick motion. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." she kept repeating, wrapped her black band shirt around my wrist and tying it in a knot as I let out a scream.

"Stop. Stop- Calm down!" she cried, but neither of us were even anywhere near calming down. I tried to quiet my sobs, but I just couldn't push myself to do it. "Why did you do this?!"

"I deserve it!" I sobbed and stuttered as she was frantically opening cupboards and drawers, looking for a first-aid kit. My wrist pulsed hard with blood that was trying to bring blood back into the veins, and thanks to Tegan's shirt, it was helping. But god, my wrist stung and ached.

Tegan fumbled the first-aid kit open and fell to her knees in front of me, her eyes bloodshot from the coldness she faced while running and the current situation at hand. Before getting to work, she pulled me into her and hugged me so tightly, and it broke my heart how she trembled against me and pressed her lips against my neck in that fear that I would leave her.

She pulled away when I whimpered somewhere between anguish and elation, an began pulling out different medical supplies to fix the cuts. I was still sobbing incoherently, trying to tell her to leave me, but I just couldn't form the words.

"Stop, stop. I need you to _calm_ down." she sniffled, taking my arm into her hands.

"I'm...I'm getting blood on your clothes." I coughed out.

"Hey." she gently got my attention, turning my face to her. She grabbed a tissue and wiped my tears like a caring mother would. "Calm down. Breathe."

I nodded and hiccuped, trying so desperately to stop myself. I took a deep inhale and coughed again, but with a few more inhales, I had managed to lessen my sobs to quiet cries. The look on her face told me that she was fighting to not break down again, but when she heard my breathy quiet cries of misery, she couldn't help it. She turned away as her lips trembled with the rest of her shaking body, standing up and walking to the door. She leaned against the wall and cupped her mouth as she jerked forward and shook her head, tears dropping to the floor.

"I'm sorry." I let out, looking up at her shirtless figure, turned away from me as she dropped her head. I didn't know what else to say.

She turned toward me, but averting her gaze. "Why'd you do it?" she asked brokenly.

"I deserve it...for doing what I did to you."

She snapped her head in my direction and gave me a death stare, and I was scared when she stomped over and fell back to her knees with a loud thud.

"Don't you _ever_ do this again, alright? Don't do this to yourself, Sara." she started to untie her shirt, to which I hissed at the sudden release of blood. "When you know damn well that I still love you just the same as before."

Her words made me feel so cared for.

"And for what? Because I don't trust you anymore? I don't want to touch you? It's stupid. I'm over what you said to me. I'm over it. And now you just pull me back in your life and expect me to resist and chase you? That's not how love is supposed to be. And if you think that you deserve pain, then stop thinking like that. I don't need you in a hospital or cemetary. I need you with me."

She stood up and wet a cloth before bringing it back down to my wrists, fire mixing with ice as she pressed the wet cloth against the cuts. I tried to pull away, but her strength kept my arm where it was.

"It hurts." I squeaked. She eased the pressure but kept it on the wound.

"Sare, you need to stop this. Have you even looked back analyzed everything you're doing? Two months. Two months, you've been almost pathologically obsessed about literally everything I do. You forced me to move on. But I haven't. And now you're kissing me, and trying to have sex with me? Do you know how much you lead me on?"

She took the cloth away and tossed it in the sink, going for the hydrogen peroxide next, the moment I knew I was going to scream.

"I'm sorry. Please don't use that. Please." I all but begged.

"We have to, if you want that to heal up fast."

I shook my head vigorously as she gripped onto my wrist. "No, please no. Tegan, I don't need it."

"You cut yourself with a fucking razor, Sara. We have to."

"It will heal like normal! Let me go!" I cried, straining my wrist and adding to the pain.

She looked at me for a moment as I continued to fight against her, but to no avail. "Sara…" she said clearly, forcing me to look into her eyes. She imitated me when we first kissed. "Don't freak out."

She brought her face closer to mine and put a gentle pressure against my lips. I knew she was going to pour the peroxide on my cuts, but her tongue asking for entrance distracted me completely from everything else. I nodded and opened my mouth a bit, allowing our tongues to dance around each other in a beautiful bliss.

I threw my head back and screamed as she poured the solution onto the cuts while showering my neck with kisses and bites to avert the pain. I broke out into a fit of sobs again, the pain searing through my entire arm. She grabbed a gauze pad and wiped it off, easing my agony.

Before I could cry to her about how much it hurt, she kissed me again, filled with passion and intensity that knocked my thoughts right back out of my head. I whimpered against her and knitted my brows, deprived of air, but I didn't care. Right now, all I wanted her to do is take me to my bed and make wild love to me. I held my right hand below her jaw and deepened the kiss, causing her to let out a needy moan. Just as she did that, she pulled away quickly and wiped her mouth.

"Cuts." she mumbled, picking up medical tape and more gauze. "How are you going to tell Stacy?" she practically spat out the name.

I sniffled out a small, "I don't know." I honestly didn't. What would I even say? _Oh yeah Stacy I'm madly obsessed with my sister and she grinded me until we both had orgasms and then she left so I cut myself._ What the fuck am I supposed to tell her?

"Okay, don't worry about it. Just wear long sleeves for now and you're coming to my house at least two times every day so I can fucking get them to heal faster." she wrapped the gauze around my cuts and tightened the bandage with tape.

I nodded and dropped my head, ashamed for the stress I had caused her.

"Hey, don't be like that. You don't have to feel bad." She tried to coax me into feeling better about it, but tears ran down my face as I trembled and shook with sobs.

"No...Sara, no." she hugged me close to her, letting my tears run down her shoulder and upper body. "Come on, I'm taking you to my house. Text Stacy that you'll be there overnight."

She scooped me up in her arms and carried me effortlessly out of the bathroom and into the living room, setting me down on the couch as gently as she could.

"You don't have to carry me like some princess." I sniffled and wiped my tears. I couldn't believe my eyes when she smiled. _She just smiled? She just smiled! For the first time in two years...at me!_ My stomach churned in joy at this huge accomplishment, sadly at an unfortunate time.

"Maybe that's what you are to me." she said softly. "Now, where's your phone?" she stood up.

"On the table." I stuttered and wiped my tears again. She walked over and picked it up, quickly walking back over and sitting next to me. She handed me the phone and I typed in my code, handing it back to her because my hands were too shaky.

With a few taps, she had shut the phone off and put it in her back pocket.

"Guess I should put a shirt on, yeah?" she asked in a light-hearted manner. I giggled through the tears and poked her tight stomach.

"Ripped." I laughed as she grinned. "There's a ton of my shirts in the closet upstairs in the room."

With that, she got up and jogged upstairs to get a shirt, and I was left alone. I nearly forgot about the cuts, only realising them when she left. Nobody could ever make me feel the way Tegan did, and it hurt to know that we couldn't display our affections. Before another negative thought rammed itself into my head, Tegan scuffled back into the room wearing one of my larger striped shirts. She looked adorable and I had to stop myself from just grabbing Tegan and cuddling and squeezing the life out of her.

"Stacy said she's cool with it. You need anything before we go? I'll grab your computer and some fresh clothes."

"No, you can just bring the computer, I'm alright in this." I gestured to my wrinkled black t-shirt and tight black trousers. She raised her eyebrows in doubt that I would wear these tomorrow again, but I could. She brushed it off and said, "Alright then. I'm gonna clean up the bathroom and then we'll go."

She ran to the bathroom and I was alone yet again, but excited to go to her house, because I knew where this would end up. Pain and shame still came over me, causing my expression to fall solemn and stare at the floor. Maybe I was fucking our entire relationship up, not only as sisters, but as lovers. I felt something very wrong in my body, and not just my wrist. It was the throbbing of my heart, blood going cold and pulsing slowly through my veins. _Tegan_. The voice in my mind announced in a sorrowful song filled with dread. Why did that just happen?

I stood up and walked to the bathroom, feeling my stomach churn in an unfathomable grief. I popped my head in the door and saw Tegan cleaning the blood, her back turned to me.

"Tegan?" I nearly whispered. She turned towards me and held the bloodied cloth in her hand.

"Yeah?"

She was alright. What was this feeling?

"Thank you...for this. For taking care of me." I said, still embarrassed about the situation. The feeling in my stomach was still strong and making me want to die from the aching. What the hell was it?

"No problem." was all she said, turning back around and wiping the blood. I walked back to the couch and sat there, doubling over as the pain got sharper. I wanted so badly to tell Tegan, but I didn't want her worrying more than she already was. So I continued wallowing in my pain until she came around with my computer, inhaler, and phone.

"Alright. Let's go." she told me as I gave her a fake smile.

She called a taxi and we waited on the porch until it pulled up. Tegan opened the door for me and shuffled in after me, shutting the door. As usual, we were driven in an awkward silence. I looked over at Tegan, who was looking out the window, lost in thought. I wanted to take her hand to reassure her that I wouldn't mess up like I did last time, but I just couldn't put myself to it. I decided to look out the window and think about where I stand in this mess, and what I need to do to fix this.

Maybe I had to ask Stacy to stay here instead of go on tour with us. That would certainly give me more time to be with Tegan, and no doubt, Tegan would love it. I knew she was always jealous of Stacy. She would never let it show, but we both knew what she thought of when she was alone. Wishing she were the one holding me, kissing me, touching me, fucking me.

The taxi pulled into the driveway of her large house, and we both pulled our money together to give to him. We said a combined thank you before getting out, then walked to the house. Tegan walked closely beside me like she was my protector.

"Thank you, again." I said, close to a whisper. She looked at me blankly, but nodded.

She opened the door for me, and after both of us stepped inside and she shut the door, we were standing in an awkward silence. I shuffled from one foot to the other, biting my lip and staying quiet. She was holding her breath with her hands shoved in the pockets of her leather jacket, not sure what to do.

I couldn't help myself from laughing, successfully lightening the mood as she joined in with a shy laugh. That caused me to laugh harder and squeeze my eyes from the irony. We've known each other our entire lives, yet we act like we're a shy couple going on their date for the first time.

"Sooooo…" she dragged out.

"So?" I asked.

She smiled at the floor and scuffed her foot against the bare floor before taking a big step towards me, where our bodies bonded perfectly.

"So what?" she breathed, looking down into my eyes with a certain darkness that I will never be able to decipher, even to this day.

I could tell that she was trying to hold back from touching me, and that put pride in me, knowing that she was fighting so hard with herself to not touch or kiss. However, I had different plans when I gently took her hand and traced the tendons and veins in her hand. She always made me feel so small and dirty compared to her strong stature, always causing me to beg for what I wanted from her, but I liked doing it because I knew at some point, she would lose her control. And that's what I really needed right now. Fuck the cuts, I need her inside of me.

With my right hand, I took a soft grip onto hers and guided it to the seam of my trousers, making her feel the heat of my arousal causing me to moan from the pressure of her hand. I felt my clit jump when she let a low growl escape her, and I knew that I was provoking her and winning.

"Please." I whispered in Tegan's ear when she dropped her head to my shoulder, cupping my mound through my clothing. She slowly shook her head, breathing heavily.

"We can't…" she husked in a low voice. "Not now."

She was practically slumped over into me, her body so weak as I held my hand over hers. "Tegan." I whispered back, dragging her hand up and into my pants, slipping it beneath the seam of my panties as she let out another weak and raspy denial. "No. Sara."

She gulped heavily when she felt my slick wetness, running her fingers along my slit. She shook her head one last time on my shoulder before looking up at me with dazed eyes, her mouth slightly parted as if she were the one being touched.

I let her discover me at her own pace, but her fingers were torturing me. She dropped her head back to my shoulder and felt as she pleased, though never entering. I nipped at her ear lobe and whispered, "Take me to bed."

"My god." she rasped, nodding her head and pushing past my folds. It was my turn to slump into her this time, moaning as she pushed further into me. She held her fingers there until she pulled out, then pushed back in while I grabbed her shoulder blades to stop myself from folding to the floor.

When she curled her fingers, I couldn't help but to curse her name. My legs shook, my eyes were glazed over, and my mouth was wide open, trying to voice my pleasure.

Tegan pulled out of me slowly as I clenched tightly around her fingers, and for a moment I feared that I just came. She lightly pushed me off of her body and forced me to look at her. I'm sure that I had that _just got fucked_ face, but nevertheless, I still locked eyes with her when she brought her fingers up to my mouth. I understood what she wanted to see, so I took the two fingers into my mouth and tasted myself, slowly bobbing my head up and down her fingers while looking her dead in the eyes.

I moaned at my taste, making sure to exaggerate a bit, and focused on her awed expression. Slowly pulling her fingers out my mouth, I twirled my tongue around them and sucked the tips. And I could see her eyes switch from dazed to determined, a fire in her eyes burning.

"Fuck me." I said, kissing her fingers.

Without anything else being said, she picked me up with caution, making sure not to hurt my knee or wrists. She was in a trance, looking at me as she stumbled forward. I broke the eye contact and buried my head in the crevice of her neck, whispering all the things I wanted her to do to me.

"I want you to hurt me. I want you to fuck me hard." I whispered like a siren luring a soldier in for death.

"So hard…" she mumbled. "So fucking hard."

We were both on the same level, knowing what I wanted. We got into her bedroom and she set me down carefully. Busying herself with my neck, we tore each other's clothes off. I didn't even get a chance to see her fully naked before she was on top of me and sucking the bud of my breast into her mouth.

"Fuck!" I cried out when she tugged it gently with her teeth. She was driving me crazy, and I just needed her to fuck me right now.

She descended down my body with her mouth and hands, treating me so roughly. I couldn't deny that I loved how this was happening, though. Tegan gave me no warning before she plunged her tongue into me, causing my back to arch instantly.

"Tegan! Oh!" I screamed, jolting my hand down to tangle it in her hair and push her further into me. She grumbled something I couldn't understand and bobbed her head while she shoved me back and forth on her tongue, making me grip the blanket and sheets tightly. I couldn't come, I was already cheating on Stacy, but I just couldn't let Tegan be the one to make me come.

When she took my clit between her lips and sucked so hard, I screamed incoherently again, too engrossed in my own pleasure to even speak a proper word. She sucked and sucked, causing my thighs to quake and snap around her, locking her head between my legs. She pried them open as I kept grumbling and moaning curses of her name, hating myself for knowing I won't last much longer.

"Fucking Christ." I whispered, rolling my hips over her face as she groaned. Without warning, she slipped two fingers inside of me, pumping in and out at such a rushed pace. I screamed and bucked my hips up, not being able to adjust my body to this pleasure and pace.

"Tegan, _please!_ " I screamed, begging her to keep me away from coming. I had to get away from her. I struggled to move away, pulling at the headboard and moving backwards, but she went with me, and I was only digging myself deeper, because now I couldn't move. With one hand, she pinned my hands against my thighs. She was gentle, keeping conscience that my cuts were only a few hours old. The other hand was now slamming into my pussy with three fingers and curling with every hard thrust. And her tongue was flicking my clit in every direction, making me writhe and sob.

"Oh-!" It was when she gave my clit that last intense suck and curling of slamming fingers that I lost to myself. My body jerked uncontrollably as I clenched and poured into her mouth and palm, my back arching and my face pointed heavenward. My hips rolled so messily around her slowing pace and lazy tongue.

She pulled out of me and replaced her fingers with her tongue, cleaning me off as she dragged her tongue along my slit and flicked it against my clit. I jumped and whimpered, too sensitive to take any more, to which she smiled and continued licking slowly. I fell limp against the headboard, tiredly putting my hand on her head and brushing the hair softly.

She ascended back up to my body, kissing up my sternum to my lips.

"Did you like that?" she asked, nipping along my jaw and sending shivers through my body.

"Uh-huh." I nodded weakly, just wanting to sleep right now.

"You're so fucking beautiful, god, it hurts." she groaned, kissing my neck.

"Mhmm." I mumbled, shutting my eyes. She got out of bed and opened a drawer, but I was too tired to see what she was doing. Maybe getting dressed, I don't know. I was too worn out.

I felt her weight press back into the bed, and I knew she was on her knees next to me. But when I heard something snap, I knew exactly what's had retrieved from that drawer. I opened my eyes and turned to look at her inserting a bulbous end into her pussy, leaving the rest of the purple phallus pointing at me.

She straddled me, the phallus inches away from my lips. I was suddenly filled with lust again, taking the phallus into my hand and wrapping my lips around it. I had never did this with Stacy before, neither Emy, so my gag reflex was terrible, but I knew Tegan liked these kind if things that made her feel so masculine and in control. I started off slowly, licking around the fake dick and sucking it slowly, making sure to tug a bit so when I let go, she could get pleasure from the bulbous end tapping inside of her.

"Fuck." she groaned when I did just that. She grabbed my head with both hands and thrusted the phallus into my mouth as I gagged and choked on it. I didn't care though, her small grunts and whispering whimpers were only egging me on. I wrapped my arms around her thighs and pulled her into me, the dildo cutting off any oxygen. There was no doubt that she was absolutely loving the sounds of my throat as she bobbed my head back and forth, my lips wrapped so tightly around the purple dick.

She pulled away, leaving me to gasp and cough for air, my face flushed red from such an exhilarating and unusual experience. She grabbed my legs and pulled me down where I was lying flat on the bed, still gasping for air as she bent my legs to where my knees were sticking up. I didn't even get a chance to recover from the blowjob before she rubbed the phallus against my wet folds before pushing in with one solid thrust.

I let out a loud cry, wrapping my arms around her and digging my nails down her back. She wasted no time pulling out and slamming back into me as my hips bucked up again, freezing in the air. Tegan gripped my sides and pulsed into me at such a quick and hard pace. She forced my hips down and shoved her way inside of me harder.

"I'm gonna...I'm gonna come." my voice shakes as I hold my breasts, as the nine inch shaft slides in and out of my slick pussy.

"Holy fuck. Oh my god." she lets out a breathy whimper before biting my shoulder. She hit that spongy spot inside of me and I scream, wrapping my legs around her waist to pull her deep inside of me. She wraps her hand around my throat and groans, her eyes rolling back with each harder thrust. She hits that spot over and over as we grip onto each other and cry out in the same pleasure.

"Fuck! Tegan!" I scream when she gives me one last thrust, bottoming out and yelling as she squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her teeth. I clenched around the phallus as my fluids seeped out of me and down to the messy bed beneath us.

She slipped out of me and fell onto her back beside me, breathing heavily, but bringing my bandaged wrist up to her mouth, kissing and caressing it. I wasn't anywhere near done with us tonight. If this would be the only night that we could be together, I was going to have her fuck me until I couldn't take any more.

I took my wrist from her gentle touches and lowered my face to the phallus, taking it in my mouth again. This time, I bobbed my head up and down rather roughly, gagging, but too invaded with lust to even care.

I looked up devilishly at her hooded eyes and sweaty body, smiling as I moaned at my taste.

She dropped her head back onto the pillow, sucking in a breath. She let me blow the toy as I desired, and I made sure that the end inside of her was giving her a sickening pleasure.

I licked it and came back up to her before pulling her back on top of me, smiling and silently pleading for more. No words needed to be said, and Tegan immediately grabbed the shaft and shoved it deep inside of me. I let out a guttural moan and pulled her deeper into me. Before fucking me so hard that I screamed all night long, she looked at me with so much love and care in her eyes, kissing me with full lips gently and smiling.

This moment before our sins would always be drilled into my mind, even after she had gone away.


	5. V- Promises, Love, and Guilt

**Tegan**

I spent the rest of the night making love to Sara, only stopping when she was whimpering and shaking uncontrollably. She weakly squeezed my biceps and mumbled incoherently, but it was obviously a plea to let her rest from all the orgasms that I was responsible for. From that point, I had slowly slipped out of her, loosening the strap from my hips and tossing it on the floor, then I held her shaking body and kissed her until we both fell asleep.

I had awoken to the sound of birds chirping and a dull glow of sunlight through the blackout curtains. Sara's body was curled up against mine and my arms were still wrapped around her, though my right arm was asleep and tingling. I smiled and as gently as I could, I slipped away from her. As I stood up from the bed, I realised just how sore I was from last night's tryst. Every bone in my body ached, my fingers were cramping, my back was burning with irritation from scratches, and my tongue was slack with pain. But I couldn't hold back my pride from remembering the way I had made Sara scream. She was so beautiful, writhing underneath me, her head thrown back, her eyes filled with tears from the overriding pleasure that came over her too many times.

I smiled to myself again, feeling the weight of the world fall off of my shoulders for just a moment as I pulled on a t-shirt, hoodie, boxers, and sweatpants. But just as that feeling of regret and dread had went away, it came back just as fast, causing my smile to die and a heavy feeling settle in the pit of my stomach. I can always credit my own anxious mind and doubtful thoughts for this fear of abandonment, but Sara had caused this mess. But I decided that it would be better to dismiss my thoughts and emotions, and to start my day.

I turned the heater system up a few degrees so Sara would feel warmer, then I checked the time. Apparently, I was only asleep for two hours, yet I felt so oddly energetic. So I went into the kitchen and washed my hands before beginning breakfast. I was planning to make pancakes and hashed potatoes, knowing that Sara would no doubt be hungry and complaining from her pain.

I gathered the ingredients and set them on the island, then got out mixing bowls, a chopping board, and the utensils to cook. I missed the feeling of cooking for Sara when she slept over; I was always just happier when it was her who was waking up in my bed.

Putting the potatoes on the chopping board and dicing them, I smiled, reminiscing all the times she came down and hitched herself up to sit on the counter, wiping her eyes sleepily and yawning. She never let me kiss her, but allowed me to have a good ten minute hugging session, which I always needed from her in the morning.

The pancakes were next to cook, so I put flour, sugar, eggs, milk, and vanilla in the bowl, stirring professionally and whipping up the mixture in a matter of two minutes. I turned the stove on, got the pans out, and scuffed the potatoes into the pan, while the mixture went onto a griddle. Getting lost in cooking was easy for me; I could just focus on something that didn't hurt to think about.

While they took time to cook, I made a pot of coffee, pulled out Sara's favorite white cup, and poured the steamy, dark caffeine in. I knew exactly how she liked it, dark but not exactly black, so I poured a bit of creamer and mixed a teaspoon of sugar in the cup. By that time, I went over and flipped the pancakes, stirred the browning hash, then melted some butter for the pancakes.

Maybe Sara is just using me. Maybe Stacy isn't providing her with the kind of sex she wants. A million different things could have caused her to use me as a side lover. But the thoughts make me angry, so I push them away, satisfied that Sara at least gave her physical self to me last night.

I turn the burners off, scramble the hash onto the plate as well as the pancakes, pour butter and maple syrup over the pancakes, then grab the coffee and some silverware. I also grab a bottle of water and Tylenol, knowing that it well help. And with that, I walk back upstairs to face a hurt Sara.

I peek in the room, and there she is, lying naked against the headboard with tears rolling down her cheeks. I quietly walk in, not wanting to meet her eyes because those tears are caused from regret; I think so, anyway.

"I made you breakfast." I mumble, setting the plate, water, and coffee on the bedside table with the silverware. She's obviously burning holes into my eyes, so I hesitantly look at her. Her eyes are bloodshot, neck strained as she takes a gulp.

"Are you okay? How bad is the pain?" I ask. I walk to the dresser to get a t-shirt and gym shorts as she breaks down crying.

"It hurts. It hurts so bad." she cries, but I can't do anything about it but be there with her and comfort her. I walk back over and gave her the band shirt to put on. Getting the shorts on will be a more difficult situation.

"I'm sorry... Come on, let's get you in some clothes." With that, I grab her midsection and guide her slowly to the edge of the bed. For no reason that I can see, she laughs through her tears.

"What?" I ask, sliding the shorts up to her thigh before asking her to lift. When she lifts her hips, I slip them over her pelvis and let her crawl back to her spot.

"Do you regret last night?" Oh, here we go.

"Should I?"

"No." she whispers, smiling shyly.

"Well I don't. But I can't say that you don't from what you're probably feeling."

"It hurts like a bitch, but I don't regret it." she chuckles as she wipes her tears. She's so fucking cute it hurts.

"Okay...Can I, uh, can I kiss you?" I tread lightly, not wanting to ruin this oddly intimate moment.

She smiles and shakes her head as if saying I'm stupid, but she turns her face towards me and says, "What's stopping you?"

I crawl closer beside her and wipe more tears away, and as hard as I try not to, I end up smiling idiotically. She smiles just the same as I take the back of her neck to bring her face inches from mine. She was the first to close the distance between us, pressing her lips so softly against mine.

Taken by surprise, I let out a small moan. She's so delicate right now but I need more, so I ask for entrance, brushing my tongue against her bottom lip. She let out a smile through the kiss and allowed entrance, and I felt like I was in some sort of heaven by the way our tongues danced around each other, I pulled her closer to me, but realised that I had made a wrong move when she whimpered and jerked away in pain.

"Shit, I'm sorry." I said worriedly, giving her space and shuffling away. And in those moments, everything had crashed down. The promises, the love, it had all dissipated as I felt my body flood with guilt and shame. I quickly got out of bed and walked out of the room before she could say or do anything.

I didn't cry. I couldn't, anyway. I felt like I was numb and in shock, like I had been shot with novocaine. Walking down to the kitchen to wash the cookware and clean. I distracted myself with wiping the counters, scrubbing the pans, and cleaning the refrigerator until Sara had made her appearance. I could hear her limping from the stairs, but I didn't acknowledge her primpingement when she cleared her throat.

"Hey." she whispered. I pretended not to hear her as I continued to clean.

"Tegan…" she said quietly. I didn't make any move to turn.

"Tegan, look at me." she continued in a slightly stern voice.

More limping was heard, and by the time I turned around, we were face to face, her eyes piercing up into mine like a dagger.

"What?" I muttered, shifting my eyes away and fixating at the silver round door knob to the pantry closet.

"Can we talk about last night?" she asked, backing off, and I took the chance to glance at her body. She was clad in my t-shirt and boxers from yesterday, the t-shirt wrinkly and loose while the boxers slightly dipped from her waist. Red, purple, and blue colours spotted her pale neck and collarbones, being the result of my love bites and sucking. Her legs were shaking slightly from the pain of standing up.

"Sure. What about?" I replied passively, doing the best I could to avoid her eyes.

"Are you kidding me? You're just going to brush it off and act like it never happened?"

"Well, you know," I firmly slapped my palm down on the island. "I don't really feel like fucking discussing it right now."

I could see a small fire light in her eyes as she straightened her posture. "We're sisters and we-"

"I don't wanna hear it. I don't need-"

"No, Tegan. We're going to talk about this. Is this your thing that you do? Find girls and just use them to ease your lusty little fantasies?" Her irises darkened at her own words, and I let my emotions grow cold and scornful.

I clenched my fists, digging my short nails into my palm before unflinching them to reveal the crescent indents in each palm. I decided that it would be best not to reply to her. As soon as my mouth would open, I knew that only hurtful and twisted insults would spill out of my mouth. I inhaled deeply to control the sudden urge to hit her, exhaling and shutting my eyes to calm down.

I felt two arms wrap around my body, hugging me to my sister's body, but I didn't let myself give into the hug. Instead, I stood frozen in place, clenching and unclenching my fists, breathing quietly. And that's how we stayed for some time until I had managed to relax in her arms and quiet my racing thoughts and fears. Love wasn't supposed to be like this. But as always, we could always count on each other to fuck something up that could be beautiful if we had stopped caring about what the world thought. If I had to choose between either continuing on with life and being responsible or giving up everything to run away with Sara, I would have easily chosen the latter. But it's impossible, really. There will always be something in the way of our happiness. Something that neither of us can defeat. But for now, I should stop thinking about that and take advantage of the time left.

I realise that tears have began to trail down my cheeks like raindrops on a windowpane. It didn't help when she brushed her fingers through my hair and pull me back into her for my comfort. I pressed my forehead against her shoulder as she pressed her mouth to my neck, mumbling words of reassurance. Happiness didn't look like this, either. It didn't look like a healthy beautiful woman with thick brunette hair and a firm stomach under a cotton t-shirt, who was cradling a hopeless deprecating body. But I guess we'll always end up like this, broken and dying inside until it will become too much one day. And when that day comes, I'll disappear completely.

"Come on, let's take a shower." she whispers, massaging circles into the small of my back. I nod my head, still crying and overthinking, not being able to stop the thoughts of ending myself for her safety and health. Not being able to stop the thought that if I go, she'll live freely. As we pathetically make it back upstairs to the bathroom, I manage to slow my violent thoughts and stop shaking so badly. She shuts the door and locks it behind her, leaving me to sit on the edge of the tub and wipe my tears with my palm.

"Can I see your cuts?" I whimper, trying not to fall apart.

"They're alright, still a bit…" she pauses, and I can see how awkward she feels with talking about it. "Tender."

She comes to stand in front of me and slowly kneels so that her eyes bore directly into mine. Reaching out her left arm, I begin to peel the bandages slowly off of her wrist until the bloody and soggy material is bundled up in my hand. I toss it over to the trashcan and turn my gaze back to her, watching every flinch and twitch in her face. I can't read her mind, so I look down to the cuts and think of cleaning them before the shower. But Sara seems to have different ideas when she tugs the collar of my hoodie with her right hand and connects her lips with mine in a passionate and drawn-out kiss.

I practically melt at this point, parting my mouth and allowing her to slip her tongue in my mouth as I let a small moan escape my lungs. The way she drags her hand down to slip under my hoodie makes me shudder and jerk forward as my heartbeat quickens. And with that hand, she hooks two fingers under my sweatpants and tugs, hinting at what she wants. Though all I can think about is how much of a mistake I had made when I had taken her to bed, I lift my hips so she can achingly pull my pants and boxers down my legs, cautious and careful. Tears are still running down my face when she parts my legs and kisses my inner thighs, and I can't stop the agonising dread and need.

"Shhh…" she mumbles before nipping my thigh again, and I pull my hoodie off to look down at her head moving slowly but surely to the source of my wetness. After getting out of my t-shirt and tossing it to the pile of my clothing, I lean back and rest my hands on the edge. And as I take one hand to wipe my tears, I feel that soft tongue drag itself up the length of my slit. I jerk my hand down to her hair when she lets out a moan from tasting me, curling her tongue up to flick against my clit and make my hips jerk.

"Oh god…" I cry quietly, letting my head drop back as Sara licks again and presses her broad tongue against my clit. I shudder again and whimper, trying my best not to buck my hips to her face.

She runs her tongue everywhere so smoothly, creating patterns against my clit and sucking my folds into her mouth. Her hands are supporting the small of my back as she kisses, licks, sucks everything that she causes me, and I can't help but to cry harder when I feel the hot fire pool in the pit of my stomach.

"S-Sara!" I yelp when she speeds up the pace, wandering everywhere and taking a dip into my core. The vibrations of her moans reach deep inside of me and my eyes roll back in an unwelcome pleasure. Death. Only death and sadness is what fills my mind, even though Sara is doing a damn good job at eating me out. And between the loud sounds that make me blush violently, the ever-impending breakdown and dread, and the sight of my sister's head between my legs, lapping at me like an animal at its wounds, I cum strongly with a loud cry.

"Fuck!" I sob, grinding her face as she slows her tongue and swallows my juices. The slick sounds are embarrassing and I can't help but to try and push her head away when the stimulation becomes too much. She obeys and pulls away with a sound that turns my face a deep shade of red, and when I squeeze my eyes shut and wipe my tears, her tongue runs its way up my body, giving small kisses and nips as her teeth graze against the skin of my upper body. And when she reaches my face and kisses me deeply, I choke out a moan. Or a sob. I can't even tell anymore. I taste my sweetness on her tongue, pulling her into me against my better judgment and hugging her tightly against my body.

"It's okay, it's okay…" she coos, wrapping her arms around me. That's the problem. It's not okay; I'm not okay. In the past week, everything has been so frantic and moving too quickly. Just this Sunday, I was doing just fine without her. I was drinking however much I wanted, fucking whoever I wanted, getting wasted past the point of oblivion. Sara hardly existed to me. And now on a Wednesday morning, I was a sobbing mess in her arms and needing her words of reassurance while suicidal thoughts rained over me. It's too fucking much.

But I don't say anything, I don't tell her these things when she asks if I'm alright. All I say is that I'm fine, because I'm scared. I'm ashamed and terrified. And the worst part is that at this moment, I'm not sure if I could trust myself being alone. She runs the water as I move out of the way and sit on the floor awkwardly, still feeling the aftershocks of my orgasm and visibly shuddering at the vision of her messy brunette head bobbing back and forth and lapping at my cunt.

I look up from the floor when she begins to strip herself of her clothing, looking directly at me. I shy away and look back to the floor to avoid her gaze, but she approaches me and sits on her knees, wincing as she comes down.

"Tee…" she whispers, an attempt to get me to meet her eyes. When I don't make any movements, she takes my chin and guides me up to look at her, and I get scared. I'm scared that she can see what thoughts are running through my mind.

"Come on."

"You can take a shower first, I need to clean anyway." my voice cracks towards the end of my reply.

"Tegan, just take a shower with me."

"No."

She shakes her head and mumbles something that I couldn't hear as she stands back up and turns away, stepping into the shower. I put my clothing back on and walk out of the room, shivering when I'm no longer surrounded by the warmth and steam from the shower. I walk into the bedroom and see the messy bed. Tangled sheets, damp bedding, pillowcases wrinkly from Sara's hands incessantly clutching and pulling. Our clothes from yesterday are strewn in every direction around the room, and the strap on is on the floor next to the side of the bed where I slept.

I began with the bed, shedding the pillowcases and bundling up the blankets and sheets. The smell was no longer pleasant, and I was a bit disgusted as I walked to the laundry room with the bedding. I threw the materials in the washer and practically drowned them with bleach before recklessly slamming the door shut and pounding the begin button. Grabbing the clothing and chucking them in the laundry basket, I then walked into the bathroom and collected the clothes that she had stripped down and was about to walk out, but Sara had left the shower curtain open and had her eyes closed as she washed down the suds from her body.

My jaw dropped at the sight of warm water cleansing her pale skin, running the soapy bubbles down her legs and into the drain. Subtle hints of muscle made themselves known as she ran her hands over her stomach and dropped her head back to avoid the constant stream of water hitting her face, and I could see the contractions of the muscles in her stomach as she touched herself innocently. The irony of this situation was that I had anything but innocent thoughts when I was gaping at her naked body. Then again, who wouldn't?

I took another look at the bruises and bites that covered her body before I walked back out and shut the door, ashamed for falling back into her so easily. But as soon as I had left the steamy room, I wanted another excuse to go back in and see her again. So I grabbed cleaner clothing- a worn out blue Bruce Springsteen tour shirt, a feminine bra and matching underwear (for my selfish indulgence), and tight black skinny jeans- and beelined my way back into the bathroom. I opened the door and walked right back in quietly, but her eyes were open and she was washing her body again with a white soap bar. She glanced up at me but had nothing to say as she continued with her hygiene, watching my every move as I set the clothing on the sink and walked back out.

Okay, now I was being ridiculous. I grabbed the dildo from the harness and went back in, setting it in the sink and beginning to wash it with hand soap as Sara and I studied each other through the mirror. When I ran my hand up and down the length of the shaft, she laughed quietly.

"That's an unfortunate gesture." She said, and I shook my head, trying to stay serious.

I looked back down to the dildo and continued busying myself with cleaning it, but I snapped my head back up to the mirror and glared at her when I felt hot water splash my back and soak through my hoodie and shirt. And there she was, wearing a smug grin with her hands cupped and water filling up in her palms.

"I swear to god, if you do that again-" I was cut off when I felt the water hit me again, and I turned towards her. It took everything in me to not just jump in the shower and attack her, so I breathed deeply and began to walk out. When I had my hand on the knob, she tossed more water at me. And that was it. I whipped around and stomped towards her as she laughed again.

"You think that's funny?" I asked when I was standing in front of the tub. She moved her body so she was inches away from me.

"Yeah, I do." she said, taking her hand and flicking water into my face, causing me to flinch. I stepped in the shower and grabbed her arms, but she turned me around so the stream of water was soaking me.

It quickly turned into a wrestling match, and my anger and regret was forgotten for a moment as we laughed and played around, seeing who would win the small match. When I had her pinned against the wall and at my mercy, she laughed again.

"Okay okay okay!" she announced, smiling like a fool.

"Yeah, that's what I wanna hear." I grinned, and her lips were on mine before I could comprehend it. She reached a hand to cradle my jaw when I let her arms go, careful around her wrist, while the other one clutched my tricep, and she was kissing so gently that it drove me insane. She pulled away just as gently and unexpectedly as it came.

"Jesus." I whispered between us, my eyes still closed and breathing unsteady. When I opened my eyes, her expression was focused and serious, gaze reaching deep into my soul. Against my conscience that was screaming to just step out of the shower before I make things worse, I pressed two fingers to her clit and rubbed slow circles with a bit of pressure. She groaned and doubled over into me as I licked the warm drops of water from her shoulder.

Stop it, stop it, stop it. My mind repeated. My body was fully into this, but my brain was beginning to fill up with bad things, doubt, fear, anger, regret.

"God…" she moaned, and that's when I finally got a hold on myself and pulled away from her. I took one last look at her confused and flushed face before stepping out of the shower and tearing off my sopping wet clothes and rushed out to the room, shutting the door and dripping wet. I threw the clothes in the basket and quickly dried myself off with one of my robes, grabbing a set of dry garments and rushing to put them on. This was all a mistake. I'm fucked.

After a few minutes of cleaning the room up more and taking the laundry downstairs, the shower water stopped and I froze in place. I didn't know what I was going to do or say if I had to face her. When the door opened and I heard my name echo through the house, I snapped out of my anxiety-filled daze and called back to her.

"In the laundry room!" I cried out, waiting for her to come down. I heard the limping and heavy steps come closer so I busied myself with refolding clothes.

"Hey." She huffed, walking in and leaning against the wall.

"I can call a cab if that's alright." I replied quietly, not willing to give into her again.

She remained silent for a moment. "Alright."

I was genuinely surprised that she wasn't going to make a move on the situation, but it only made me feel emptier and heavier with dread when she walked out of the room without another word. I followed her out and jogged upstairs to grab my phone, calling the Yellow Cab. After setting the price and giving him the addresses, I hung up and walked back downstairs to find her sitting at the counter with a glass of water. She had managed to wrap her wrist in bandages and she looked so far away, yet so timidly there as she dragged her index finger around the rim of the glass slowly.

"They'll be here in fifteen minutes." I mumbled, shuffling my feet awkwardly and stuffing my hands in my pockets. She jerked her gaze up and wore a faltering smile, one that said she was tired of this. Well, I am too. She didn't say anything, but she kept her eyes on me as I began to get very uncomfortable. I hated how she was staring like me like I was some alien, and the discomfort quickly turned into annoyance.

"What?" I hissed sharply, throwing my arms up in exasperation.

"You can't just ignore it forever." Sara replied knowingly before looking back down and taking a sip of water.

"As far as I'm concerned, you never came over here yesterday." I could tell those words hit a nerve when she snapped her head up to meet my eyes with fierce sadness and shock.

"Yeah, okay, Tegan."

And that's how the rest of the long ticking minutes went by as we waited for her taxi. I was thinking of ways to erase myself from this situation and this problem, while she was worn out and hurt. In reality, neither of us were ready to face the world that would be so different in our eyes now that we've seen and done things that were so taboo.

I get the text message that the taxi is in front of my house, and when I look over to Sara, she looks as if she's going to cry. Her eyes are glazed over and red-rimmed, and she looks like a mentally unstable patient sitting at the counter.

"It's outside." I say.

She opens her mouth as if she is going to say something, but nothing comes out, so she stands up and walks slowly towards me to say goodbye. And she finally looks up at me, stepping closer by a few inches to where I can feel her minty breath on my lips. As much as I want to push her away, my heart pulls her closer to where I'm stuck in a tug-of-war between mind and matter.

"Can we…" she trails off for a moment, glancing down at my lips before focusing back on my eyes. "One last time?" Though we're both drowning in our own ocean's of misery and depression, I decide to give her what we both want.

I lean in and connect our lips quietly, feeling the rush of emotion flood through me. This longing, our wrought history, the quiet ending of our night, in this stupid town, on my small porch. We kissed through tears, my guilty star, my stuttering tongue, my tenacity, our old hearts. The chemistry of the language of our mouths, the way our unhappiness is a small flood that neither of us can repair.

"I'll see you on Friday?" she gasped when I pulled away, her breath taken away and eyes still fluttering in a high from the passion that I had put into the kiss. I stepped away from the proximity of our bodies to avoid any more shame that would certainly hit me harder than it had before.

"Yeah." I replied rather callously. There was always that emptiness that I felt when she left, no matter the situation, almost like I had developed a pavlovian response to people taking a taxi. I always feared that they would leave and I'd be left alone again. Every hello has to end with a goodbye, I suppose, but I never wanted to let Sara go. What was I supposed to do now that she finally came to her fucking senses about how much I care for her? And what am I supposed to do with this guilt and shame of our reckless actions?

"Bye, Tegan." she whispered before slipping outside into the foggy and cold world. I was left standing alone, staring at the door.

"Bye." I finally managed to voice, though my words reached deaf ears, speaking to the ghost of her presence. Walking into the living room, I threw myself on the couch to try and sleep off all of the different thoughts and emotions swirling inside of me. I laid on my back, hands neatly folded over my torso, and stared at the ceiling blankly until my eyes felt too heavy to keep open. In my last moments of consciousness, I found my thoughts drifting back to my rebirthed misery and longing, my jealousy and my need to make Sara beg for me as much as I had begged for her.


End file.
